A sign from the gods

A quick update from my last post - alas there was no baby. I succumbed and took the test only to get a negative result. Two days later I got my period. I was upset but I had to remind myself that it was highly unlikely that I would fall pregnant the first go after coming off the pill. So it was time to get back on the horse (so to speak)!

Interestingly, we're about to take our second shot at it. I don't know if it's coincidence or just weird happenings, but an interesting thing happened this week.

As I walked out of the house yesterday, I happened to take a look at my side garden and saw a small child's purse sitting in the dirt. We live near a school so there's always plenty of kids running past the yard. I stopped to pick it up thinking some poor little girl would be missing her prized treasure.

It was a little, zipper purse with pink, sky blue and yellow hibiscus flowers on it. It had small baby frogs and mokeys strewn through the flowers. As if they were bathing in them! There wasn't a thing inside it and it looked like it had never been used.

I thought it was a strange thing for someone to seem to toss away. I'm convinced it didn't just drop from the sky. But I couldn't help wonder if it was a little sign. Given there is no identification in it, there's no little girl in a pink dress with pigtails to give it back to.

I've decided to wrap it up and put it in my bedside draw. Maybe in a few years I'll be presenting it to my daughter as her first wallet. Until then, it will sit right next to my booties I continue to rub for good luck. Here's hoping it works its magic for round two!  

Facing reality

I don't know if it's coincidence or irony, or maybe both, that the pregnancy tests I ordered online should happen to turn up the day my period is due. I only ordered them two days ago and here they are already on my doorstep!

As I opened the box and read the packet, this baby process suddenly became very real. I realised I was scared to take the test and was swamped with a severe case of butterflies. I went into an internal battle of the pros and cons to take the test now.

Pro - If I'm not pregnant I could have a glass of wine night.

Con - There's no point wasting a test when your period isn't even late yet and you don't even know if it will come on time seeming as it's only the second one after coming off the pill.

Pro - I could do it today while my husband isn't home so if I'm not pregnant, I don't have to share the disappointment with him.

Con - I don't think I'm ready to face the disappoinment if I'm not pregnant.

Pro - If I am pregnant then that would be a monumentously happy thing.

Con - If I am pregnant, that would be a monumentously scary thing and I'm not sure if I'm ready to move into that phase yet.

So the conversation went around and around like this for a while until I went STOP. I put the box away and made muffins instead. But after that was done I considered it agin. But, stopped myself again as the butterflies got the better of me.

God help me if it takes a few months to fall pregnant and this is the hell I put myself through every month. For now, my final answer is I will know the right time and I'll go with that. Until of course the next internal battle takes place!

A look back

I've had this blog for about 3 months now so I decided to go back and have a look at previous posts. I started, funnily enough, at the start!

As I read that first post, I realised how much my perspective about things has changed already. I mentioned that I didn't feel like I had alot of support as my friends didn't have kids. While my close group of friends don't, I have been so lucky to access other friends who do. They have openly, genuinely and whole heartedly shared their advice, experience and love with me. They have given up time to listen and share with me. They have thought to check back in with me to see how I'm going.

It's funny how these friends have become so much closer to me now and I realise the benefit of having such friendships in my life. It's been my experience that friendships move in different ways and sometimes you're close to some people and not as close to others. Who you're close to at any given time can shift like sand.

In the past, I've had friendships go by the way side because friends have had children and they start doing things with other people who have children. As the token single person, I fell away because my life wasn't the same as theirs anymore. I never subscribed to this train of thought. I've never believed that just because your life takes a different direction, people don't have a place in it anymore.

However, in saying that, I am beginning to understand how it can happen. When you have children, it brings a whole new aspect into your life. You want to be with and share that with others who know what you're going through and can lend support. I get that - it's the same for anything that happens in life. We want to share it with others that can empathise.

Now it seems my friends who don't have babies, are going to use me as the guinea pig for when they do. Once again, I am the trail blazer. I will become like my friends who are helping me. I will go through my experience to then help others.

When I have a baby, there is no doubt my life will consideraly change. I am prepared for the fact that I won't see my friends as much as I use to. I won't always be able to go out for dinner. I won't be able to go for weekends away. I won't be able to drink 5 bottles of champagne. But, it also means my life won't stop!

It means we'll have to make more of an effort to see each other. We'll have to change the way we catch up with each other. We'll have to get use to a little person now being involved in those times. But we'll share in first steps, first words and first hugs. We'll hopefully share in the many moments that will occur in our lives as good friends tend to do. At the end of the day, a close friend is one who holds your hand through the tough times in life, celebrates the best things in life and is happy to just see you happy, knowing they played some part in that. I have no doubt that just as I have played that role for my friends, they will play that role for me!