Friday, 13 July 2012

Facing reality

I don't know if it's coincidence or irony, or maybe both, that the pregnancy tests I ordered online should happen to turn up the day my period is due. I only ordered them two days ago and here they are already on my doorstep!

As I opened the box and read the packet, this baby process suddenly became very real. I realised I was scared to take the test and was swamped with a severe case of butterflies. I went into an internal battle of the pros and cons to take the test now.

Pro - If I'm not pregnant I could have a glass of wine night.

Con - There's no point wasting a test when your period isn't even late yet and you don't even know if it will come on time seeming as it's only the second one after coming off the pill.

Pro - I could do it today while my husband isn't home so if I'm not pregnant, I don't have to share the disappointment with him.

Con - I don't think I'm ready to face the disappoinment if I'm not pregnant.

Pro - If I am pregnant then that would be a monumentously happy thing.

Con - If I am pregnant, that would be a monumentously scary thing and I'm not sure if I'm ready to move into that phase yet.

So the conversation went around and around like this for a while until I went STOP. I put the box away and made muffins instead. But after that was done I considered it agin. But, stopped myself again as the butterflies got the better of me.

God help me if it takes a few months to fall pregnant and this is the hell I put myself through every month. For now, my final answer is I will know the right time and I'll go with that. Until of course the next internal battle takes place!

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