Sunday, 12 August 2012

An angry day

The calmness of my previous post didn't last long. I'm angry today. Not just a little annoyed. I'm down right pissed off.

Today I hate my body. Today I am so mad that it has failed me. Today I feel so hard done by that I was denied a chance to make a baby. Today I feel like a failure.

My rational mind says to me Fiona, it's still early days. There's still a long way to go on this road. All is not lost. But when I am reminded that at my age, there is only a 10 percent chance of falling pregnant each month, it's not something that buoys ones' confidence.

My rational mind knows that this violent response has been bought on by the fact my period is nearly upon me. However, this month, it acts as nothing more than a reminder that my body went into shut down. This is reinforced by the fact I've been in pain for five days now. Here I was thinking I was managing my stress and it seems the opposite is true.

A few days ago I felt fine about it. I was looking forward to getting my period as a fresh start. I felt confident that I was managing my stress and was really positive that it would be third time lucky. Now, I am racked with fear that this month will be the same as the last - my body will go into meltdown and I'll have no idea when I'm ovulating. That makes the process of trying to fall pregnant rather difficult.

I think the greatest cause of my frustration and anger is the realisation that this is the first time in my life where I can't just go out and make something happen for myself. In the past, I have always considered myself to be the master of fate. If I wanted something, I went out there and got it. If I had a dream, I worked hard to achieve it. I'm not afraid of hard work and have unlimited perseverance. This situation is different as there is nothing I can do to change the outcome. I'll either fall pregnant or I won't.

I can do the right things - not eat too much or drink alcohol, limit caffeine and do exercise. I can do all those things to give myself the best chance at falling pregnant and I am doing those things. What I find difficult to do is make room for the fact that this is all out of my control.

My rational mind knows this isn't helpful. My rational mind knows that I need to let it all go if I'm to create a welcoming home for a egg to fertilise itself. My rational mind knows that I need to find a way to make peace with the process and embrace patience. But my irrational mind doesn't give a damn about all of that. Today, my irrational mind is just going to be pissed off. We'll see if the rational side wins tomorrow!


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