Sunday, 5 August 2012

A set back

Our second attempt at baby making as been an utter failure. A complete write-off. There's simply no other way to describe it. As I've mentioned, I've been under enormous stress over the past few weeks with the possibility of loosing my job looming over me. I have suffered every day for a month.

My constant ailments have included thunderbolt headaches, burning pains down my arms, pains behind my eyes, sore breasts, sore muscles and nausea. The nausea was particularly cruel as I spent the day wondering if it was morning sickness. It wasn't. But it gave me a nasty introduction as to what morning sickness will be like.

As a result, my body went into shut down. I thought I had been clever, telling my husband we needed to have sex earlier than I had previously calculated so we had sperm in place at the moment of ovulation. That was all fine and good but a few days later there were still no signs of ovulating. No, I didn't ovulate until 10 days later and it was so stealth, there was no warning signs and the moment was gone.

I went through a mixed bag of emotions about that. I was saddened as it was an opportunity lost. But I was also realistic as I knew my body was not capable of conceiving a child, let alone providing a good home for it. That's what it came down to - my body was not a warm, welcoming and loving home. It was a wasteland of pain and adrenaline.

I needed to address the situation so I didn't loose another chance. I'm ok if we do everything we can and it doesn't work. But I am not ok by my body rebelling against me and giving me no hope at all. I went to the Relaxation Centre and did a course on reducing stress. I bought a meditation CD and started doing 10 minutes of meditation every afternoon. But the biggest decision I made was going off alcohol. I finally decided I had to do everything I could to give myself the best chance of falling pregnant.

I've been on this plan for a week now and my symptoms seem to be subsiding. I still have the odd headache but I'm managing it better. I was also buoyed by catching up with my friend Chris today. She was visiting from down south and it was lovely to have a proper girly chat. Especially as she told me she was pregnant and moving back to Brisbane.

I was so excited as she's pregnant with her third child. After originally being told she would never have children, she now is going to welcome her third. I felt so excited that it happened so easily for her. She's only two years younger than me so it made me feel better - there's still hope for me!

I came home with dreams of being fat and pregnant together, having our own little play group and sitting down sipping coffees as we look over our sleeping cherubs in their prams. It would be perfect to go through this with someone else. My other friend Christie is about to give birth to her first child in a few weeks. So it's exciting that I have some friends to HOPEFULLY be able to share this magical experience with. Fingers crossed it's third time lucky!  

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