Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Living in fantasy land

There’s a football field at the end of our street. I walk past it twice a day - on my way to, and way home from work. Sometimes I notice that football practice is on and I guess I pay particular attention when the under-8s play. Here they are, these tiny, little boys, trying to run up and down the field carrying a ball. They try to tackle each other but it’s more like head butting. Sometimes they get mixed up and run the wrong way and sometimes they just drop the ball instead of passing it. The whole time, their parents stand on the side of the field cheering them on.

What grabs me most about the field, is the playground attached to it. It only includes a climbing gym, slide and some swings, but is always popular come practice day. Mostly with the sisters of the boys head butting each other!

But as I walk past, and take a backwards glance, I can’t help but imagine me, walking up the street to the playground, holding a little hand.

I see us putting on our hats and sunscreen, tying up our shoes and walking out into the beautiful sunshine. I see me pointing out the pumpkin vine and the jaguar statue out the front of the old lady’s house. I see us practicing our colours with all thedifferent flowers we walk past. I see us picking up an orange that’s fallen off the big tree on the corner to take home for a snack. I see me sliding down the slide with an angel on my lap.

I hear giggling and laughing as we play on the swing. I hear squeals of delight as we play chasey on the field. I hear “oohs”, “ahhs” and “What’s dat?” as we walk through the bush to see what interesting things we find. I hear all the imaginary conversations we would have. I think I could almost hear my own heart breaking its wall and over flowing with all the love and joy I would have in that moment.

I seem to have these fantasy moments relatively under control. I tend to only slip into it when I’m alone. I’m actually noticing that I’ve now moved onto thinking about how I’ll decorate the nursery. Every morning I get on my treadmill which is currently in the room that will be the nursery. So for 30 mins each day, I’m in my own little world thinking about where the cot will go, will I need a wardrobe and where’s the best light?

It’s amazing how our own minds can create these fantasy lands. Sometimes, I catch myself sitting down on the weekend, sipping my coffee, and glancing towards the front door where the pram would be. But it isn’t there – yet!

I try not to indulge myself too much in these moments. I would hate to see where my mind would take me if I did. It’s all about managing my own expectations because what would happen if I never had a little hand to hold? Never got to encourage my child to steal oranges? Never got to hear the squeals of delight? Never got to fold up tiny clothes? Never got to place a sleeping angel into their cot?

I try not to think about the nevers and focus on the positives. Maybe I need to give myself dedicated “fantasy time” a day? Maybe just the 30 minutes on the treadmill? In all reality, I think it’s unlikely I’m going to be able stop myself going there.The smile that crosses my face and the warmth those thoughts generate in my heart are too addictive!

Maybe I just have to do a slow de-tox from them? Only 5 thoughts a day perhaps? Oh well, in the mean time I’ll just keep reminding myself – baby steps Fiona, baby steps!

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