A sign from the gods

A quick update from my last post - alas there was no baby. I succumbed and took the test only to get a negative result. Two days later I got my period. I was upset but I had to remind myself that it was highly unlikely that I would fall pregnant the first go after coming off the pill. So it was time to get back on the horse (so to speak)!

Interestingly, we're about to take our second shot at it. I don't know if it's coincidence or just weird happenings, but an interesting thing happened this week.

As I walked out of the house yesterday, I happened to take a look at my side garden and saw a small child's purse sitting in the dirt. We live near a school so there's always plenty of kids running past the yard. I stopped to pick it up thinking some poor little girl would be missing her prized treasure.

It was a little, zipper purse with pink, sky blue and yellow hibiscus flowers on it. It had small baby frogs and mokeys strewn through the flowers. As if they were bathing in them! There wasn't a thing inside it and it looked like it had never been used.

I thought it was a strange thing for someone to seem to toss away. I'm convinced it didn't just drop from the sky. But I couldn't help wonder if it was a little sign. Given there is no identification in it, there's no little girl in a pink dress with pigtails to give it back to.

I've decided to wrap it up and put it in my bedside draw. Maybe in a few years I'll be presenting it to my daughter as her first wallet. Until then, it will sit right next to my booties I continue to rub for good luck. Here's hoping it works its magic for round two!  

Facing reality

I don't know if it's coincidence or irony, or maybe both, that the pregnancy tests I ordered online should happen to turn up the day my period is due. I only ordered them two days ago and here they are already on my doorstep!

As I opened the box and read the packet, this baby process suddenly became very real. I realised I was scared to take the test and was swamped with a severe case of butterflies. I went into an internal battle of the pros and cons to take the test now.

Pro - If I'm not pregnant I could have a glass of wine night.

Con - There's no point wasting a test when your period isn't even late yet and you don't even know if it will come on time seeming as it's only the second one after coming off the pill.

Pro - I could do it today while my husband isn't home so if I'm not pregnant, I don't have to share the disappointment with him.

Con - I don't think I'm ready to face the disappoinment if I'm not pregnant.

Pro - If I am pregnant then that would be a monumentously happy thing.

Con - If I am pregnant, that would be a monumentously scary thing and I'm not sure if I'm ready to move into that phase yet.

So the conversation went around and around like this for a while until I went STOP. I put the box away and made muffins instead. But after that was done I considered it agin. But, stopped myself again as the butterflies got the better of me.

God help me if it takes a few months to fall pregnant and this is the hell I put myself through every month. For now, my final answer is I will know the right time and I'll go with that. Until of course the next internal battle takes place!

A look back

I've had this blog for about 3 months now so I decided to go back and have a look at previous posts. I started, funnily enough, at the start!

As I read that first post, I realised how much my perspective about things has changed already. I mentioned that I didn't feel like I had alot of support as my friends didn't have kids. While my close group of friends don't, I have been so lucky to access other friends who do. They have openly, genuinely and whole heartedly shared their advice, experience and love with me. They have given up time to listen and share with me. They have thought to check back in with me to see how I'm going.

It's funny how these friends have become so much closer to me now and I realise the benefit of having such friendships in my life. It's been my experience that friendships move in different ways and sometimes you're close to some people and not as close to others. Who you're close to at any given time can shift like sand.

In the past, I've had friendships go by the way side because friends have had children and they start doing things with other people who have children. As the token single person, I fell away because my life wasn't the same as theirs anymore. I never subscribed to this train of thought. I've never believed that just because your life takes a different direction, people don't have a place in it anymore.

However, in saying that, I am beginning to understand how it can happen. When you have children, it brings a whole new aspect into your life. You want to be with and share that with others who know what you're going through and can lend support. I get that - it's the same for anything that happens in life. We want to share it with others that can empathise.

Now it seems my friends who don't have babies, are going to use me as the guinea pig for when they do. Once again, I am the trail blazer. I will become like my friends who are helping me. I will go through my experience to then help others.

When I have a baby, there is no doubt my life will consideraly change. I am prepared for the fact that I won't see my friends as much as I use to. I won't always be able to go out for dinner. I won't be able to go for weekends away. I won't be able to drink 5 bottles of champagne. But, it also means my life won't stop!

It means we'll have to make more of an effort to see each other. We'll have to change the way we catch up with each other. We'll have to get use to a little person now being involved in those times. But we'll share in first steps, first words and first hugs. We'll hopefully share in the many moments that will occur in our lives as good friends tend to do. At the end of the day, a close friend is one who holds your hand through the tough times in life, celebrates the best things in life and is happy to just see you happy, knowing they played some part in that. I have no doubt that just as I have played that role for my friends, they will play that role for me!

Clock watching

Patience has never been my strong suit. I don't know why they say it's a virtue but apparently it is. Alas, it's a virtue I don't possess. I never have. So now, I have no choice but to sit and wait. And frankly, it scares me. 


We've now completed our first shot at creating a baby. I'm pretty sure we got all the timing right. The body has been listened to. Signs have been noted. Dates have been observed. Sex has been had. So now it feels like it's a waiting game. Waiting to see if my period comes. Waiting to see if it works. Waiting for the inevitable disappointment if it doesn't.


I know, expecting success on our first attempt is a futile wish. The odds are so drastically low they're not worth calculating.  Mother Nature is in fact cruel. Why isn't there some way to know straight away if you've hit the jackpot or not?


Now I just feel agitated - like I have no choice but to sit and twiddle my thumbs to see what happens. Being a conscientious person, I've made the decision to live my life like I am pregnant while I'm waiting to find out if I am. I know, it's a high maintenance way to live your life but I'm not prepared to take any risks. So much so I told my husband this morning I would now need my eggs over easy as I can't have runny eggs anymore. As I said, I'm not taking any risks!


Clearly, if I stay on this path I'm going to throw myself into a significant spiral of god knows what. I know and accept it isn't a good head space and it's one I need to shift. It's such early days and god only knows how long this will take so being this anxious about it so soon will not do me any favours. In fact, it's probably more likely to prevent me getting pregnant rather than aiding the process. So I have some work to do!


In all honesty, I think it will be a day by day, week by week and month by month process. I'm hoping I just need to get through my first month of trying and things will settle down. It's so overwhelming to suddenly spend so much time listening to your body, calculating dates, having the energy to do the act and trying to do it in a calm state. I wish I could be more like my husband who says "Hey, at least we'll just have fun trying." I need to take a page out of his book and relax about the whole process. I will endeavour to that. But part of me is suddenly jealous of those women who fall pregnant by accident. On this occasion, ignorance would truly be bliss!

Starting with a splutter

Today was one of those days where you're reminded that sometimes, life is totally out of your hands. Just as we're ready to start trying, there's major job losses at work. People are finishing up tomorrow for the end of the financial year and there will be major job cuts else where. 

It's ironic that just as I got a permanent job I'm now in jeopardy of losing it. But, that's just life I guess. I now face the waiting game of will I be one of the unlucky ones to go or not? It's so frustrating to know this is totally out of my control and there's nothing I can do about it. All I can do is turn up to work every day and give 110%.

But, it puts doubt in my mind about whether we should do this or not. Is now the right time? What happens if I loose my job? Will I find another? Do I want to wait another few months to find out?

The simple answer is no. I don't know what's going to happen so what's the point in waiting? When I asked my husband what we should do he simply said "She'll be right mate." And so we will continue forwards.

The choice is simple - either put our life on hold for something that may or may not happen, or take a risk for something we have our hearts set on and believe in. In the end, we never know what life will throw at us. We never know what's around the corner. We never know what tomorrow will bring. If we live in fear, we would never get out of bed in the morning. 

So in the end, we choose to move forward. We choose to have faith. We choose to believe everything will be ok. 

As they say, fortune favours the brave. So we choose to be brave!

Putting the pram before the baby

Ok, I admit I may have got a little carried away. Today I bought a change table. Not a normal one, it's a wooden one that you attach to the top of a chest of draws. I saw it on Ebay and thought it was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen!


I'd been thinking of how I would manage space in our nursery and when I saw this, I thought bingo! I also convinced myself that given I'm picking up a new chest of draws next weekend, it must be a sign! Actually, now I think about it, we don't need a chest of draws. That's something else I bought for the baby's room! Whoops!


Ok, so I'm definitely getting carried away. But I justify it to myself that to buy these things new would cost far much more. And, I'm buying the draws off a friend who's moving overseas so I'm really doing her a favour. Clearly I was just deluding myself. 


I was reluctant to tell my husband, believing he would think I was nuts. But I had to as we had to pick it up on our way to lunch. I very hesitantly and coyly told him I had bought a change table and we needed to pick it up. He laughed, looked at me and said "Ok baby". I think after I bought the booties home, nothing is going to surprise him!


When we picked up the change table, it included a mat and 3 change covers. The couples' little boy, who was bout 3 years old, carried the little pack of mat and covers, tied up with a blue bow. He was so adorable as he walked up and gave them to me and I imagined him lying on that table having his nappy changed. 


As soon as we got home, I opened the pack and laid them all out on the couch to look at them. Each cover had a little embroidered figure on it. I tried each one on the mat to make sure it fit. I noticed that two had been handmade, based on the original one as the pattern. It was so beautiful to have these things that someone had taken the time to make for their little treasure and I was touched that I now had it to share with my little treasure. There's something special about having these things that have history to them rather than having everything brand new.


I know it sounds weird. Most people don't actually buy things for their baby until they have a baby! But for some reason, over the past few days, I've just had this overwhelming sense that this is all going to happen. I am prone to little premonitions at times but I'm not sure this is a premonition. It's more like an ingrained belief. I just believe it to be so. And, if for some reason the baby doesn't come along, I can always sell it all again on Ebay!

Learning new things

I was walking through the shops and out of the corner of my eye noticed a magazine called Practical Parenting. I admit I was sucked in by the front page headlines and paid my $5.95 for it.


One of the first articles I came across was on spotting the signs of antenatal depression. I was quite aware of postnatal depression but I had never heard of antenatal depression. Apparently 1 out of every 10 women suffer from it but why do we know so little about it? I suppose people put it down to being anxious, feeling out of sorts and just being "hormonal" or "emotional". But surely people put postnatal depression down to the same thing?


The alarming thing is that the majority of women who suffer antenatal depression will suffer postnatal depression. I have a friend who suffered postnatal depression and had to be put on anti-depressants. It seemed so sad that she was in such a state it made it difficult for her to enjoy her beautiful baby boy. And now as she prepares to give birth to her third child, she's concerned it will come back. I couldn't imagine anything worse than being worried you won't be there for your child. 


I've never suffered clinically diagnosed depression, but I am prone to anxiety attacks. Or "worrying about worrying" as one counsellor told me. So I would not be surprised if I was struck down with some form of natal depression, or heaven forbid, both. 


My husband and I are now officially trying. The timing of course isn't good as there's a high chance I could loose my job. No guarantees of course but to find out you don't have a job while you're a few months pregnant would be something likely to cause a great deal of stress and anxiety. But, after discussions with my husband, we both agreed that we can't put our lives on hold waiting for something that may or may not happen.


The more I travel along this path, the more I realise that sometimes life just happens to us. Things happen when we least expect and sometimes at the speed of light. We can choose to struggle against it or we can choose to accept what happens and do the best we can. As the Rolling Stones said, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need!