Thursday, 9 October 2014

How much time heals wounds?

Today marks the second anniversary of loosing Peanut. In some ways, it hurts more this year than last. So I find myself asking, if time heals all wounds, how much is time?

It's funny that I don't know the exact date in my head of when I lost Peanut. I just know it's early in October and I can tell because I start to get very emotional, anxious, irritable and sad a few days before hand. That then leads me to check the date - 9 October. Today is when I had the DNC as I count that as the day Peanut was taken away from me. 

Even though it's 2 years on, tears still well up when I think about that day. I suppose that's what painful anniversaries do. There is no joy or happiness in remembering it, just pain and sorrow. I remember having to sit in a sterile room by myself. I remember being put back for emergency ceasars. I remember waking up in the recovery room and seeing blood. I remember eating the worst sandwiches ever. I remember them not telling me my husband was in the waiting room where he'd been sitting for an hour. 

I remember the aftermath of getting a call from my obstetrician's office asking me to relive what happened. And receiving a bill in the mail for my so called "abortion." Those things were just salt in the wound.

The pain is in no way reduced or deleted because I have Sticky - in fact I think it's made even worse. I know in my rational mind that if I had Peanut I wouldn't have Sticky and I know she was the baby I was meant to have. But as I watch her grow and develop, I can't help but wonder what Peanut would have been like.

I took Sticky to the movies today with a friend and her baby. She was so funny talking to her little friend, trying to stroke her and hold her hand and getting upset when she got upset. Yesterday when I took her swimming, she was laughing and smiling for the old ladies who were meant to be doing their exercises. She clearly has such a kind and loving nature that others can't help but be drawn to. I wonder if Peanut had the same?

On the bright side, I feel him sitting on my shoulder telling me everything is going to be alright. When I have moments of doubt about my business, or worry about Sticky, or just worry in general, I feel him there. Sometimes I can even feel him giving me a hug or stroking my cheek. It makes me think he definitely had the same loving nature his sister has. 

So as another year passes, on some level I'm glad I remember. I'm just hoping in time the gratitude I feel for my little angel sitting on my shoulder surpasses the pain and sorrow that this date brings. I don't know how long that will take but I'm hopeful it will be sooner rather than later. Until then, I just keep saying my thanks for his presence and guidance. What a lucky Mother I am to have such a clever and calming son! 

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