Any which way we can

I found out today that an acquaintance will have a baby in a few months – through a surrogate mother. Now, this woman and her husband have been trying to have a baby for nearly 10 years. They have literally tried every method known to man and no luck. You can understand that if something was wrong – sorry but your ovaries don’t produce eggs, or sorry, you’re sperm count is too low. But no, there was no reason why they couldn’t fall pregnant, they just couldn’t.

The perseverance she has shown on her quest to become a mother astounds me. What better example of the adage “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” do you want? This is a woman that was not prepared to let anything stand in her way. Now granted, she’s lucky she’s had the money to try IVF several times, and now of course, to go down the surrogate path. Many of us simply don’t. But I am so impressed that she has refused to take it sitting down. That my friends, is someone who is prepared to stand in the face of fate and say god damn it, I will make it happen!

It makes me question though, how far are we prepared to go for our dreams? A lot of times, other factors come into play. The money runs out, the stress on the body is too much, the stress on the relationship takes its toll, the constant hope runs dry. Or, at the very worse, age simply defies us! 

I’m not sure if I could do it myself. I’ve seen too many of those stupid American tv shows where the surrogate turns around at the last minute and either doesn’t give the baby up or comes back later trying to claim it. And whooshka – your heart is ripped out of your chest. I hope and pray this doesn’t happen to them! 

My husband and I haven’t talked about what other options we’ll look at if we don’t fall pregnant naturally. Most fertility specialists don’t even think about talking to you unless you’ve been trying for a year. But alas, time is not on my side. I don’t have a year to waste if it doesn’t work. If that should be the case, I’ll be chasing down the first fertility specialist I find and we’ll at least give it a crack.

When I think of the other options – egg donors, sperm donors, adoption, foster care and of course surrogate, it all just seems so overwhelming. And expensive! And draining!
But if I’m brutally honest, it really makes me hope and pray to the powers that be that it happens the good old fashioned way, and quickly. Should that be the case, I will always know and appreciate how truly lucky we are and will be enormously thankful and grateful everyday. Even when the child is being a nightmare and I want to leave it in a forest somewhere - my love and gratitude will make sure I always bring them home, hug them and send them off to bed with a kiss!

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day. My husband, bless his heart, said to me this could be your last non-Mother's Day. That made me bolt right up. The prospect that come this day, in 12 months time, we could have a baby, was a surreal thought, but one that bought a smile to my face.

We spent the day celebrating with my mother and grandmother. As I watched them open their gifts, I thought come this time next year, you could be a grandmother and a great-grandmother. How delighted they would be!

It's interesting though, for some reason, this Mother's Day, more than any other, really made me think about my Mother. Probably because we have spent so much time together in the past few months organising my wedding, but also because as I approach motherhood, it makes you think of your own Mother.

She did it tough my Mum. Three kids by the time she was 25. My parents didn't have a lot of money and both worked two and three jobs to put food on the table and shoes on the feet. Mum studied while we were young and Dad would take us on road trips to get us out of the house so she could do her assignments. It was quality time with my Dad, who at one stage, was living in Melbourne, and we only got to see him on weekends.

While we didn't have a lot, and certainly nothing fancy, we had love, laughter, hugs and kisses. There was no pretending, no having to buy love, no fake emotions. So many of the girls I went to high school with must have suffered this fake childhood and this made them fake people. And at the 10 year reunion, they were fake adults. I always thank my parents for grounding me and making me real.

So this year, I paid particular attention to what I gave my Mother - tulips and a book. Doesn't sound like anything too spectacular but I knew she would love both and she did.

The other thing I thought about today was how many of my friends were struggling with the fact they weren't mothers when they so desperately wanted to be. Today would be the one day of the year where that was rammed home to them more than any other.

As I read everyone's posts on Facebook about how thankful they were for their lovely gifts and lovely children, I thought I would contribute something out there to everyone else. I posted "Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers, those trying to be mothers and those wanting to be mothers. Our time will come". My husband told me if I didn't want people asking me if I was pregnant yet that wasn't a good way to go about it. But not being a woman, I don't think he understood the message.

The message was really one of hope. If you're trying, keep trying. If you want it, keep wanting it. If you are one, be grateful and celebrate. If anyone sees that message and starts asking me if I'm pregnant yet, I'll eat my hat! I don't think they'll start asking me that until I stop drinking wine - that will be the dead give away!

I haven't made any secret of the fact we want kids. When people ask when we will start trying I always say towards the end of the year and that's always been the plan. Somehow, going under the radar, and if the fates allow, we get pregnant in the next few months, than I might avoid being asked all together. If not, I'll deal with the barrage of questions when they happen.

Either way, I felt blessed today that I got to spend a fabulous day with my Mother and my 87 year old grandmother. God knows there won't be many more days I get to spend with her so as you get older, you realise that every day you get to spend with the people you love is a blessing. I just hope my child feels the same! 

Baby bonus bewilderment

Today marks my first day off the pill. So things are starting to become real – very real! Now we need to have the conversation about the likely time junior will arrive and whether we take the Federal Government’s paid parental scheme option or the baby bonus option. In all my reading about it I found out that you can be financially better off on one than the other. Given I have never qualified for any government funding before, this was a whole new world to me.

After trawling through a few websites, I found a calculator that helps you figure it out – although you need to know all the details of yours and your partner’s salary and leave intentions. You can find it at
 http://www.investmentpropertycalculator.com.au/free-baby-bonus-or-paid-parental-leave-calculator.html

Now, I must admit, I threw in a few random dates to figure it all out and I’m not sure that was helpful. If we assume I get pregnant first go and have the baby in April 2013, in the 2012/2013 financial year we’re better off on the baby bonus but in the 2013/2014 financial year we’re better off on paid parental leave. That leaves us in a bit of a predicament as we can’t choose both!

Changing the dates so the baby would be born in July, coinciding with the start of the financial year, we would be better off on paid parental leave. Now you might figure it’s all much of a muchness but in this scenario, we were better off to the tune of $4000. Now if that’s an extra $4000 in my pocket while I’m not working, than I’ll take it!

Hence, it creates a bit of confusion! But in all reality, there’s no point doing this until you’re actually pregnant and know when you’re baby is due. There’s also no point unless your partner can tell you how much leave he is planning on taking. So it was an interesting exercise to do, just to try and understand it all. But we’ll be leaving any decisions until there’s a baby to make a decision about. As the reality of the situation is if there’s no baby, there’s no choice to make!

A shift in perspective

I had lunch with my fabulous friend Jo today. Everytime I talk to her, and preface something with “You’ll never believe this”, she always listens to the rest of the story and says “Oh yeah, the same thing has happened to me.” And I thank god I’m not alone.

I spoke to her about my fears and concerns about falling pregnant. It was quite timely as tomorrow is my last day on the pill so the anxiety has probably hit a high point today. She listened, nodded her head and told me what I was experiencing was totally normal. I felt bad even mentioning it to her as she’s experienced her own problems of late – and not just the perceived, most likely non-existent ones like the ones in my mind - but real ones. 

Jo has a wonderful and slightly disturbing way of always honing in on the exact button that needs pushing in me. When talking about her own problems today, she mentioned how upset she gets it when people tell her she already has one baby so she should be happy with that and not worry about having another one. I so got that – it’s the equivalent of someone saying “Sorry, your dreams are shattered and the life you always thought you’d have won’t be happening. But buck up soldier and you’ll be right!”

Right there was the light bulb moment. That exact statement is my biggest fear. That we can’t fall pregnant and people tell me “You have a great husband and lots of people don’t even have that so be thankful for what you have.” It’s such a stupid statement. As if we aren’t thankful for what we have. But when you’ve dreamed of something all your life, and someone tells you you can’t have it, and there’s no point being upset about it, well, funnily enough, it doesn’t make you feel better.

Loosing a dream, or being forced to fight really hard for it is a grieving process and we go through the 7 stages:

1. Shock

2. Denial

3. Anger

4. Bargaining

5. Depression

6. Testing

7. Acceptance

We quite often yo-yo back and forth in between them. So you can’t have your dream = shock. Realising you can’t have your dream = denial. Being told to buck up = anger. Figuring out some way to make it happen, or trying to focus on the positive = bargaining. Realising it’s futile = depression. Wondering if you’ll make it through = testing. Realising the truth of the situation =acceptance. 

From 1 to 7 is a really long trip. A really long, emotionally draining and energy sucking trip. We’ve all been there – when something has fallen through, when we’ve lost a loved one, when a relationship has ended. 

As I thought about all my friends, and the different stages they're in, I realised we’ll all experience this trip about different things in our lives. Meaning we are never alone!

In the end, realising the absolute truth in the statement “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, means I can start this journey tomorrow with faith, hope and the knowledge I have a superbly, wonderful friend that will hold my hand along the way.

Two for the price of one

I found out today that the likelihood of having twins natural increases once you’re over 35. It was a weird, kismet moment to read this as I’ve been plagued with this bizarre thought over the last week that we could have twins. I have no idea why as we don’t have any twins in our family. But, for some reason, the thought has just been there.

I do tend to get “feelings in my waters” from time to time and even premonitions of things that will happen. But equally, I also have random thoughts that turn into nothing. But it was a very spooky moment for such a random thought to suddenly be grounded in fact!

This led me to have a conversation with my husband about what we would do if we had twins. He suggested we could sell one to a group in Afghanistan but I told him we would not be selling any of our children for money! He asked if we could sell them for cider. I said no.

But when he decided to get serious, he responded with his normal, level-headedness, which was “We’ll deal with it.”

I wouldn’t mind twins to be honest. At the very most I only want two children so if we had them at the same time it would be over in one foul swoop. Although I’m well aware that the early years will be tough. But overall, I think I’d like it.

Mind you, I wouldn’t be one of those mothers who dresses her twins in exactly the same clothes. What is with that? Not only do you look the same as each other but you have to dress the same too. I’m not sure that’s the way to raise two, independent children who are strong and secure in their OWN self-identity. But I’ll continue with that discussion should I end up with two for the price of one!

Return of the fat

One of my greatest fears of being pregnant is getting fat. I know, you kind of have to get fat if you want to get pregnant. You can't avoid it. But for me, it's a bit more involved than that.

This October marks the 10th anniversary of me loosing 35 kilos. It's a lot of weight to loose and it's a lot of weight to have kept off for 10 years. So the thought of even having to put some of that weight back on chills me to the bone.

At 62, my Father just lost 20 kilos for my wedding. So it just goes to show you that no matter your age, if you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything. So it's not like I don't think I could get the weight off, it's just the thought of letting myself eat enough to put the weight on in the first place.

Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of starving myself through a pregnancy. I've seen friends eat whatever they like, succumbing to the "I'm eating for two" syndrome. Then they complain about putting on 20 kilos. I will be careful about what I eat and focus on the fact that every morsel I put into my body is fuel for my baby. So I won't be eating mountains of crap!

It will be something I will need to be focussed on and I will need to push myself out of my comfort zone. With the control I've had over to keep the weight off, I'll have to lax that a bit to ensure I have a healthy baby. Whoever heard of a woman no wanting to put weight on in her pregnancy? Oh well, there's always a first I guess!

The big IF

In all the time my husband and I have been talking about having kids, I’ve been pessimistic about the prospect. Even talking to other people, I also couch any discussion about babies with “…if we are lucky to have them.” The big IF rears it’s ugly head.

I suddenly started thinking this was a very pessimistic view to the baby challenge. Although, I often swing between thinking is it pessimistic or realistic? I say it as to not get myself, my husband or who we’re having the conversation with too excited. It’s really all about managing expectations. But it’s not my normal view on life.

My life would be so much simpler if I could be a pessimist. I would never have expectations and I would never be disappointed when my expectations don’t come to fruition. But try as I might, that approach to life has never worked for me.

Even all the years I was single, there was always a part of me that continued to try to meet someone. I was always proactive in terms of dating and putting myself out on a ledge to meet someone. So why can’t I take the same approach to this?

Somehow, the disappointment seems greater if I don’t have a baby than if I didn’t meet someone. I’m sure the disappointment would have been just as great if I had not have been lucky enough to meet my husband.

I seem to be in an internal struggle between the power of positive thinking, believing the universe will bring me everything I want and hard, cold, reality.

I just saw on the news that 1 in 6 couples now require assisted pregnancy services. That’s a pretty high number. That’s the reality of the situation. But the more I think about it, the more I realise that maybe, just maybe, the universe has bought me everything I ever wanted because I never stopped working to make it all happen.

Ahh, hello light bulb moment! Right, new approach to this caper. From this day on, I will replace the IF with a WHEN and believe it in with all my heart!