Wednesday, 9 May 2012

A shift in perspective

I had lunch with my fabulous friend Jo today. Everytime I talk to her, and preface something with “You’ll never believe this”, she always listens to the rest of the story and says “Oh yeah, the same thing has happened to me.” And I thank god I’m not alone.

I spoke to her about my fears and concerns about falling pregnant. It was quite timely as tomorrow is my last day on the pill so the anxiety has probably hit a high point today. She listened, nodded her head and told me what I was experiencing was totally normal. I felt bad even mentioning it to her as she’s experienced her own problems of late – and not just the perceived, most likely non-existent ones like the ones in my mind - but real ones. 

Jo has a wonderful and slightly disturbing way of always honing in on the exact button that needs pushing in me. When talking about her own problems today, she mentioned how upset she gets it when people tell her she already has one baby so she should be happy with that and not worry about having another one. I so got that – it’s the equivalent of someone saying “Sorry, your dreams are shattered and the life you always thought you’d have won’t be happening. But buck up soldier and you’ll be right!”

Right there was the light bulb moment. That exact statement is my biggest fear. That we can’t fall pregnant and people tell me “You have a great husband and lots of people don’t even have that so be thankful for what you have.” It’s such a stupid statement. As if we aren’t thankful for what we have. But when you’ve dreamed of something all your life, and someone tells you you can’t have it, and there’s no point being upset about it, well, funnily enough, it doesn’t make you feel better.

Loosing a dream, or being forced to fight really hard for it is a grieving process and we go through the 7 stages:
1. Shock
2. Denial
3. Anger
4. Bargaining
5. Depression
6. Testing
7. Acceptance

We quite often yo-yo back and forth in between them. So you can’t have your dream = shock. Realising you can’t have your dream = denial. Being told to buck up = anger. Figuring out some way to make it happen, or trying to focus on the positive = bargaining. Realising it’s futile = depression. Wondering if you’ll make it through = testing. Realising the truth of the situation =acceptance. 

From 1 to 7 is a really long trip. A really long, emotionally draining and energy sucking trip. We’ve all been there – when something has fallen through, when we’ve lost a loved one, when a relationship has ended. 

As I thought about all my friends, and the different stages they're in, I realised we’ll all experience this trip about different things in our lives. Meaning we are never alone!
In the end, realising the absolute truth in the statement “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, means I can start this journey tomorrow with faith, hope and the knowledge I have a superbly, wonderful friend that will hold my hand along the way.

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