Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Counting my blessings

I just found out that good friends of ours lost their baby at 25 weeks. The news is beyond devastating and makes all of my perceived struggles seem trivial.

Their story has become a tragic one. They survived a miscarriage, fell pregnant first go on IVF and have now lost the baby. They ad posted photos on Facebook of a growing belly, had all the scans and started buying baby clothes. I had given them a gift voucher to put towards baby things. Now, all of that must seem so empty.

Loosing Peanut and Babs was hard enough, but I count my blessings I lost them early. I didn't have a kitted out baby room to dwell on. I didn't have stuffed bears, toys and clothes that suddenly had no purpose. I didn't have a room full of tiny little things to remind me that the tiny little person who was meant to use them was no longer there. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't as hard as that. 

Whenever I hear of something like this happening, I always wonder why. Why, as humans, do we have such painful and difficult things thrust into our lives? Why isn't there some justice in the world whereby once you've been through an emotional and traumatic experience, you don't have to go through another? Why does life just suck sometimes?

As hard and challenging as life with a baby is, I don't dismiss it, regret, or take it for granted for one minute. If the baby gods came to me and said you can have a baby and a messy house, piles of washing and frustrations, or, you can have no baby, a clean house and a fairy to do all the washing and cleaning, I'd take the baby every time. I know the other things are just part and parcel of the experience but it's all of the components of the experience that make it what it is. 

Motherhood has taught me so much more then I could have ever imagined. Things about myself, my husband, relationships and just life in general. I'm not sure they are things I could have learnt without being a Mother. 

So, all I can do in moments like these is grab Sticky and hug her tight. I send a silent prayer to the baby gods thanking them for blessing me with her. I ask her guardian angels to continue watching over her and keep her safe. Of course, it also makes me wonder if I really am brave enough to go through pregnancy all over again, but that's another post. In this moment, I simply look at my daughter and breathe an enormous sigh of relief that she is here.  

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