Paying it forward

I found out this week that a wonderful woman I use to work with suffered a full-term still birth. I was saddened to hear the news and enormously inspired by the courage and strength she had shown. She was determined to share her story in an effort to keep attention focussed on figuring out why this still happens. I thought it was an important cause to support.

It’s not just stillbirths that sometimes have no explanation, it’s miscarriages too. I have read so many stories about women who miscarry and the tests shows there was nothing wrong with the baby. It just doesn’t make any sense. And how can people be expected to get over and heal from something that just doesn’t make sense?

When I think about it, I know four women who have suffered miscarriages. I have relied heavily on one of those women to share her knowledge, encouragement and support to help me through this. She is the only one who can sit opposite me and nod her head in absolute understanding of what I am going through. But surely, there must be more of my friends who have suffered this?

I’ve learnt that some people just don’t know what to say or do in these situations.  Some of my friends have seemed to approach me gingerly and feel bad for not speaking to me sooner. Some of them just don’t even bring the topic up.  I can certainly understand the difficultness of the situation. In the past, I have tried to console friends who have had miscarriages and felt useless as I couldn’t possibly imagine what they were going through. Now I do know, I realise how important it is just to show your friends you are thinking about them and caring about them. In the midst of all the grief, that’s all you want to know – that people care about you!

So, inspired by my brave friend who had the tragic loss of her daughter, I posted my story on Facebook today. Today was significant as I was originally booked in for my scan and would have been announcing to the world that I was 13 weeks pregnant. I questioned whether I should – I was worried about people judging me, people at work knowing and people thinking I was just searching for sympathy. But, I knew my motivation was pure - I didn’t post it searching for sympathy or nice comments, I posted it so that if any of my friends had experienced the same thing, or do experience the same thing, they know they can call me and I will be there for them as my friend was there for me.  And, I realised that being worried about what people thought is the main reason women don’t talk about it and that was the whole reason for doing it. In that moment, I quickly realised I didn’t care what anyone thought – that was enormously empowering!

Within a few hours of posting it, four friends had told me about their miscarriages. The majority of those had gone on to have babies, but clearly, the pain and the memory was still there. For another friend, her experience was very recent and she was going through a lot of the same thought processes as me. All I could do was tell her I totally understood where she was coming from and send her the link to this blog.

In the end, my post was about paying it forward. If we can all stand proud in our experience, it releases the feelings of guilt and shame we carry around. If I can help one person through their miscarriage, then my experience hasn’t been in vain. I’m so glad to realise so quickly that my instinct was correct and people have already valued it. I hope and pray that none of my friends ever have to experience this, but I’m ready to turn up to their house in a moment’s notice if needed.

Remembering the man

In my last post, I mentioned I had said something to my husband in my wedding speech about facing the challenges life would throw at us. As I thought about that post, I had to laugh at the fact we lived in such ignorance of those challenges facing us so quickly after being married!

The below is an extract from my speech – made 30 March 2012!

“Marriage, like so many other things in life, is a leap of faith. It is a scary thing because there are no guarantees. There are so many things we don’t know about the future but I’d rather travel that path with you to find out, than let fear keep me stuck here.

It is with great thrill and excitement that I take this leap with you. We are explorers, venturing into new and strange territory. We will use our combined strengths to overcome the difficulties, find the solutions and navigate our way.

There will be times when we have to go through treacherous terrain, climb up steep hills, swim through wild rivers and sustain scratches and bruises. But there will also be times when the stars are so clear we can see the planets, the sunset stretches as far as the eye can see, and the immense beauty around us brings a tear to our eye.

We start this journey with a commitment to stand next to each other, support each other, hold each other and carry each other. There will be times when one will do it for the other, and times when we do it together. But the key word in all of that, is together.”

I mention this as the feelings of the father often gets overlooked in this process. Luckily, my friends and family always ask after my husband to check he’s doing ok. But men process these things in a much different way to women and that’s been interesting to learn that.

We had no idea this would be part of our future but I was spot on – I would rather be dealing with this with my husband than without him. He has been such a tower of strength and has carried us both when I didn’t have the strength to stand.

It was thrilling and exciting for us to take this pregnancy leap and I was certainly in new and strange territory. And yes, we have had to use our combined strengths to overcome this and still love each other through the process. I guess this is one of the things that can make or break a relationship. Luckily for us, it has continued to make it.

We have had to deal with treacherous terrain. We are climbing up a steep hill. And we most definitely have sustained scratches and bruises. But I know, with every fibre of my being, that the stars, sunset and immense beauty is awaiting us.  Actually, not to sound too corny, but I think we already have the immense beauty in the love, support and commitment we have to get each other through this.

Who knew my words on that fabulous day would be so prophetic – we are most definitely surviving, coping and moving on together!

The search for my smile

In the paper today, there was an article on the 10 guiding principles to help bring you lasting happiness and fulfilment - an extract from The Happiness Code by Domonique Bertolucci. Those are two things I'm definitely lacking at the moment. While I have moments of happiness, they are fleeting. And I don't think I've really felt fulfilled for quite some time. How can you when you feel so empty?

But, I have decided that I need to re-think my attitude and get myself back into a healthier state of mind. I can't see myself conceiving when I feel so down and I know that wishing to be pregnant just to make myself feel better is the one thing to surely stop it from happening. So I read the article with an open mind. 

1 - Take Charge -"The first and most important step in becoming the best you can is to simply decide to be that person." It was funny to read this as I had been berating myself over the last few days for slipping back into my old habit of drinking wine and eating chocolate as a coping mechanism. When I was trying to fall pregnant last time I was so stringent on myself and so careful of what I put into my mouth. I was exercising and looking after myself so I could be in the best possible shape to fall pregnant. Now, I think the unknown  of when my body is going to get back to normal has sent me into a downwards spiral. So, I need to pull up my socks and get back to being the best I can be.

2 - Let It Go - " Don't waste energy trying to change or alter things that are well beyond your control." Well, it doesn't take Einstein to see that I clearly have not let the miscarriage go. God knows I've tried but perhaps it's still early days. Rationally, I know I had no control of it but the irrational mind isn't so cooperative. This one remains a work in progress!

3 - Live For Now - "It's important to accept the past, dream of the future, but live in the moment." A very wise friend told me that the miscarriage presented an opportunity for my husband and I to spend more time together. Given we've only been together for 1.8 years, this probably isn't a bad thing. In this moment, today, we have spent the weekend together, although both feeling sick. But, it's time to be together, support each other and love each other. So we will continue to share and love being in each other's company.

4 - Expect The Best - "If you believe things will turn out well they usually do." This of course is a tough one because I never thought the pregnancy would end well. Does this mean I created it myself? Who's to know. But, it does remind me that next time, I must take a more positive approach to my journey.

5 - Back Yourself - "One of the most important ingredients in creating any success in life is to believe in it." This one I can whole heartedly support. I believe in my dreams, myself, my husband and us together. I believe that we are meant to have a baby and we will be delivered that. I believe that things will fall into place and I believe my body has the strength and power to produce a baby, be a sanctum for that baby and grow a healthy baby. I guess I just need to let it do that in it's own time.

6 - Give All You Can - "Be generous...what you give will determine what you receive." By nature I have always been a generous person. However, I am more generous with others than I am with myself. So this is a timely reminder to treat myself, my body and my mind more kindly. To show myself the love, support and encouragement I would show a friend going through the same thing. I don't know why I haven't done that to now - habit no doubt!

7 - Get Out Of The Way - "The only person who can really hold you back in your life is you." This speaks to the part of me that wonders if I am keeping myself in this time. There's part of me that chooses to go backwards everytime I think I'm moving forward. Like I'm somehow dishonouring Peanut's memory if I do move on. But, staying in this pocket of my life isn't a healthy place to be. I've experienced it enough to know there's something better up a head. I just need to walk the path to get there.

8 - Be Grateful - "When you focus on how much you already have, your true desires will be easily met." This is one thing I haven't struggled with. If anything, going through this has only highlighted everything I am so grateful for. I am grateful for the love, support and encouragement of my husband, family and friends. I am grateful to know who my true friends are and those who have disappointed me so I know who not to rely on next time. I am grateful my body fell pregnant when so many other women can't. I am grateful that this experience has strengthened so many of my relationships. While there's plenty to be sad about, I have always remembered this.

9 - Keep It Up - "It won't always be easy to do, be or have everything you want in life. Don't give up or choose a more complacent path should this take longer than you might have wished." So here's the old patience chestnut staring at me once again. There's no escaping the fact that this is going to take longer now. So in reading this, it seems slipping into the wine and chocolate has been a complacent path - complacent is the perfect word. It was almost like taking revenge on my body because I feel it failed me. However, if I want it to work for me, I need to stay focused, be diligent and look after myself. Luckily I poured the wine down the sink this morning!

10 - Be Brave - "If you want to be the best you can be, you need to do the right thing, not the easy thing." This is all about courage - having the courage to get back up when you've been knocked down. The courage to follow your dreams when people tell you you won't succeed. The courage to follow your heart and look defeat in the eye. Yes, it won't be easy but I am NOT going to let it defeat me. I will storm ahead on my trek and face whatever challenges it brings along. Actually, as I type this, I said a very similar thing in my wedding speech to my husband. I should have listened to myself more closely as I seemed to have forgotten that!

The curse of the cruel stick

I would have been 12 weeks today. It's been a pretty tough day. Mind you, I'm glad I didn't end up in the fetal position on the floor by the end of it.

Deep down I hoped I would get pregnant again straight away. Probably everyone does. But my body has been in such turmoil that everytime I think I've been ovulating, something else happens that makes me think I wasn't. I've had an enormous amount of cm which would normally tell me when ovulationg was approaching. However, because I've been getting it every few days, it's been impossible to know for sure. The ovulation tests have been no help so I haven't been able to rely on them. The normal signs - cramps, sore breasts - have been a constant. Especially the cramps! 

The cruelest part has been pregnancy symptoms - sore breasts, increase in cm, constant peeing, nausea and even a cold. But the pregnancy test remains negative so I have nothing left to think but my periods are coming. At this point in time, I've just decided to give up.

While the operation was taxing enough, you then have to go through the process of receiving all the bills in the mail, phoning up to pay them, taking them into Medicare and your health fund, have doctors call you up and have people constantly ask you how you're doing.Then just to cap it off they sit a woman next to you at work who is pregnant and due the same time you were so you're going to have a constant reminder for the next 6 months. Everytime one of these things happen, you relive the experience again. It seems that when you want to move on and not dwell on it, the world doesn't let you.

To add to the challenging week I've had, I had my four week check up with the obstetrician this week. He said everything looks okay. I told him I didn't know if I had ovulated or not because of all the different symptoms I was having. He did a scan and told me it looks like I was ovulating now. My husband and I contemplated whether we keep trying or not, but I realised I had nothing else to give at the moment. My energy levels are so low because it takes all my energy to get out of bed, face the day, and put on a brave face.

The obstetrician said if  my period does not come back in four weeks to go back and see him. He will put me on medication to make me ovulate. After doing some research, I saw there is 30% chance of falling pregnant on the medication. That's compared to a 25% chance of falling pregnant normally. I think I'd rather just have the medication!

I feel like I've been hit with the cruel stick over and over again through the past few weeks but the onset of my periods will surely be the hardest blow. It will be the final sign that I'm not pregnant anymore. It will be the crescendo to the ongoing tsumani of pain I've had to endure over the past few weeks. Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to it but I know it will be the end to my current storm and the rainbow always comes out at the end!

One month down, forever to go

Today marks 4 weeks since the operation. It's hard to believe that a month has gone by already. Another indication that time really does not stand still. I'm not sure I would have wanted it to - actually, I'm not sure what I wanted. All I know is the past 4 weeks has been a rollercoaster of emotions filled with angst, grief, impatience and frustration.

It seems that crappy things always happen on a Tuesday and today was no different. I am home feeling terrible thanks to a cold and got a call from the obstetrician I was originally meant to see but who had been on leave when all of this happened so I never met him. I had to recall the whole story which always puts my recovery back a few steps back. It has left me feeling deflated and defeated.

We've given it our best shot to try and fall pregnat but clearly it's not meant to be. Between the physical and emotional state I'm in, I just don't have any more emotional energy to give it. I've realised that my energy has been given over to the process of accepting I will have this pain for the rest of my life.

Yes, I have survived it and yes, it didn't kill me. And yes, I know this isn't the worse thing that could happen to a person. But it has changed me as a person. It has left a lasting stain on my soul that I don't think will ever be removed. But maybe it shouldn't be. Maybe, it's meant to be a reminder for me to always keep things in perspective, always cherish what I have and never take things for granted.

While it's been a tough few weeks, I do want to look at it positively. It's hard, and I battle to stay in that mindset, but I try. I had to write a letter to Peanut as a way to say goodbye for my counsellor. Reading it helps me but only to a degree. I'm trying to get to the state where I can read it without being overcome by it but it's a work in process - it's the very last word that gets me everytime!

Dear Peanut,

For an all too brief 7 weeks, I had the utmost joy and privilege of being your Mother. I took pleasure in feeling my body change as it meant you were growing inside of me. But it was always such a shock to me with each different pain I felt.

For some reason, I never felt confident you would arrive safely. I don’t know if it was paranoia or premonition but I guess I always prepared myself for what eventuated.

Loosing you was the most devastating and painful event of my life. I feel the pain of loosing you every second of every day.

But I’m glad you went if you weren’t well or happy where you were. I prayed to your great-grandfathers every day to watch over you and I trust that taking you was their way of moving you to a better place.

I am only sad I never got to meet you and see the wonderful person you would have become. But your loss will not be in vain. Hopefully we will be blessed with another little soul that I know you will look after and keep safe.

Wherever you are my darling little soul, I want to you know you were loved, you were wanted and you won’t be forgotten.

I shall cherish the memory of you always.

All my love always,

Your Mum




 

Starting to believe

I saw a tv show this week about a gay couple who were using a surrogate to have a baby for them. One of them wanted to dive in and start buying clothes and baby things and the other wanted to wait until they were "out of the woods." They all went for the first scan where they heard the baby’s heartbeat and the obstetrician ran them through all the other scans and tests the mother would have to have. She ended up with a petrified look on her face!

Eventually, the father realised there would never be a time when they were out of the woods. He realised he had been so scared and negative about the experience he was missing it. Suddenly it all clicked into place for me. I realised I had done the same thing.

I had spent the 7 weeks of my pregnancy paranoid and anxious about the worse thing happening. I think it was a self-protection mechanism for me to feel prepared for a miscarriage. It was futile because I wasn’t prepared for it and it didn’t make it hurt any less. All it did was bring an enormous amount of negativity into my experience about an event I had no control over.

I know I’m a worrier but I realised that, as a parent, you are NEVER out of the woods. When you’re pregnant, you worry about them arriving safely. When they arrive, you worry about something bad happening. As they grow, you worry about them making their own way in the world. In the end, the worry doesn’t stop until the day you die.

That was a light bulb moment for me. I realised that come my next pregnancy, I could choose to face it the same way, or I could choose to think positively about it. Of course, I know next time it will be easier as the worse has happened and I survived it. I am already doing some brain training so I can respond to my anxiety in a more positive way, but I feel like I’ve turned a corner and will be stronger next time.

It seems to be the week for turning corners. Previously, I said that one of my concerns was I didn’t feel connected to the pregnancy. I would see pregnant women and have no sense of being excited or prepared for the fact I would look like that. Then I got on a train I don’t normally catch, on a carriage I don’t normally get on, and saw a pregnant woman wearing a dress similar to one I have. When I was pregnant, I thought this dress would be perfect for when I was bigger.

Suddenly, in that moment, it all clicked. I looked at her and saw myself fat, wearing that dress. I felt happy that I would look like that. I was excited to know that dress still looked good with a pregnant belly filling it out. It was just the shot in the arm I needed. Finally, I felt ready to be pregnant and revel in it. Now, I just need to wait for the stork to visit me once again!

One step at a time

I haven’t cried for a week now which is a real achievement. Don’t get me wrong, there’s been plenty of times when I could have. But I just decided I’m not letting myself sit in the victim mentality anymore. It’s just not my style.

It has been a difficult week as ovulating bought a whole new range of challenges. I never stopped to think about the impact ovulating would have. And lets face it, why would you? I was surprised I was even ovulating at my normal time anyway. But clearly the process of ovulating affected whatever internal processes went on through the operation so my body has been immense discomfort for a few days.

I had the standard pains on my right side but they quickly escalated into stabbing pains. They then moved to my left side and delivered those quick stabbing pains that make you feel dizzy. I went to the chiropractor thinking I had put my back out but then realised it was this wonderful baby-making process that was to blame.

I feel a little ashamed to say I doubted the process was actually happening. I was so surprised that my body could be bouncing back to normal so quickly that I didn’t believe it. I bought a 7 day pregnancy planning kit for some reassurance but all it bought me was anxiety.  

The kit comes with 6 ovulation tests and a pregnancy test so all your pregnancy needs are covered. I did the ovulation test two mornings in a row and got a negative result. I was sucked in and wondered if I was really ovulating or whether it was just post-op cramps. Then I read some reviews on these tests and realised they are very fiddly and need to be done at the right time – which could be any time. I decided that given everything was happening the way it had when I fell pregnant, I would trust in what my body was telling me rather than what a piece of cardboard wasn’t telling me.

My husband and I had discussed if we would try again this cycle or wait for my period to come. We just decided to give it a crack, understanding my body would fall pregnant when it was ready to. I did some research and the reasons they suggest waiting until you’ve had a cycle is so you have a conception date and you have time for the pregnancy hormones to leave your body. Otherwise you could get a false-positive pregnancy test and thinking you’re having a miscarriage when you’re having your period.

Knowing this – I decided to be smart and did a pregnancy test. Sure enough, the second line came up. I realised that the other reason I have felt emotional this week is knowing that if I’m ovulating, I will soon have my period and that will be the ultimate slap in the face that there is no longer a baby in there. I try not to think about it too much but the thought brings a pang of sadness to my heart.

But, with my positive pregnancy test, and dodgy ovulation tests put away, I’m ready to tackle it. I know I’ll have to wait a few weeks and if my period doesn’t turn up, I won’t get too excited if I get a positive pregnancy test. To be honest, the way we’re going at the moment, there isn’t much chance of it happening. My husband and I tried to have sex and the support to out bed slats fell off and we nearly collapsed through the bed. Funny how that can kill the mood!