One month down, forever to go

Today marks 4 weeks since the operation. It's hard to believe that a month has gone by already. Another indication that time really does not stand still. I'm not sure I would have wanted it to - actually, I'm not sure what I wanted. All I know is the past 4 weeks has been a rollercoaster of emotions filled with angst, grief, impatience and frustration.

It seems that crappy things always happen on a Tuesday and today was no different. I am home feeling terrible thanks to a cold and got a call from the obstetrician I was originally meant to see but who had been on leave when all of this happened so I never met him. I had to recall the whole story which always puts my recovery back a few steps back. It has left me feeling deflated and defeated.

We've given it our best shot to try and fall pregnat but clearly it's not meant to be. Between the physical and emotional state I'm in, I just don't have any more emotional energy to give it. I've realised that my energy has been given over to the process of accepting I will have this pain for the rest of my life.

Yes, I have survived it and yes, it didn't kill me. And yes, I know this isn't the worse thing that could happen to a person. But it has changed me as a person. It has left a lasting stain on my soul that I don't think will ever be removed. But maybe it shouldn't be. Maybe, it's meant to be a reminder for me to always keep things in perspective, always cherish what I have and never take things for granted.

While it's been a tough few weeks, I do want to look at it positively. It's hard, and I battle to stay in that mindset, but I try. I had to write a letter to Peanut as a way to say goodbye for my counsellor. Reading it helps me but only to a degree. I'm trying to get to the state where I can read it without being overcome by it but it's a work in process - it's the very last word that gets me everytime!

Dear Peanut,

For an all too brief 7 weeks, I had the utmost joy and privilege of being your Mother. I took pleasure in feeling my body change as it meant you were growing inside of me. But it was always such a shock to me with each different pain I felt.

For some reason, I never felt confident you would arrive safely. I don’t know if it was paranoia or premonition but I guess I always prepared myself for what eventuated.

Loosing you was the most devastating and painful event of my life. I feel the pain of loosing you every second of every day.

But I’m glad you went if you weren’t well or happy where you were. I prayed to your great-grandfathers every day to watch over you and I trust that taking you was their way of moving you to a better place.

I am only sad I never got to meet you and see the wonderful person you would have become. But your loss will not be in vain. Hopefully we will be blessed with another little soul that I know you will look after and keep safe.

Wherever you are my darling little soul, I want to you know you were loved, you were wanted and you won’t be forgotten.

I shall cherish the memory of you always.

All my love always,

Your Mum