Friday, 2 November 2012

Starting to believe

I saw a tv show this week about a gay couple who were using a surrogate to have a baby for them. One of them wanted to dive in and start buying clothes and baby things and the other wanted to wait until they were "out of the woods." They all went for the first scan where they heard the baby’s heartbeat and the obstetrician ran them through all the other scans and tests the mother would have to have. She ended up with a petrified look on her face!

Eventually, the father realised there would never be a time when they were out of the woods. He realised he had been so scared and negative about the experience he was missing it. Suddenly it all clicked into place for me. I realised I had done the same thing.

I had spent the 7 weeks of my pregnancy paranoid and anxious about the worse thing happening. I think it was a self-protection mechanism for me to feel prepared for a miscarriage. It was futile because I wasn’t prepared for it and it didn’t make it hurt any less. All it did was bring an enormous amount of negativity into my experience about an event I had no control over.

I know I’m a worrier but I realised that, as a parent, you are NEVER out of the woods. When you’re pregnant, you worry about them arriving safely. When they arrive, you worry about something bad happening. As they grow, you worry about them making their own way in the world. In the end, the worry doesn’t stop until the day you die.

That was a light bulb moment for me. I realised that come my next pregnancy, I could choose to face it the same way, or I could choose to think positively about it. Of course, I know next time it will be easier as the worse has happened and I survived it. I am already doing some brain training so I can respond to my anxiety in a more positive way, but I feel like I’ve turned a corner and will be stronger next time.

It seems to be the week for turning corners. Previously, I said that one of my concerns was I didn’t feel connected to the pregnancy. I would see pregnant women and have no sense of being excited or prepared for the fact I would look like that. Then I got on a train I don’t normally catch, on a carriage I don’t normally get on, and saw a pregnant woman wearing a dress similar to one I have. When I was pregnant, I thought this dress would be perfect for when I was bigger.

Suddenly, in that moment, it all clicked. I looked at her and saw myself fat, wearing that dress. I felt happy that I would look like that. I was excited to know that dress still looked good with a pregnant belly filling it out. It was just the shot in the arm I needed. Finally, I felt ready to be pregnant and revel in it. Now, I just need to wait for the stork to visit me once again!

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