Sunday, 11 November 2012

The search for my smile

In the paper today, there was an article on the 10 guiding principles to help bring you lasting happiness and fulfilment - an extract from The Happiness Code by Domonique Bertolucci. Those are two things I'm definitely lacking at the moment. While I have moments of happiness, they are fleeting. And I don't think I've really felt fulfilled for quite some time. How can you when you feel so empty?

But, I have decided that I need to re-think my attitude and get myself back into a healthier state of mind. I can't see myself conceiving when I feel so down and I know that wishing to be pregnant just to make myself feel better is the one thing to surely stop it from happening. So I read the article with an open mind. 

1 - Take Charge -"The first and most important step in becoming the best you can is to simply decide to be that person." It was funny to read this as I had been berating myself over the last few days for slipping back into my old habit of drinking wine and eating chocolate as a coping mechanism. When I was trying to fall pregnant last time I was so stringent on myself and so careful of what I put into my mouth. I was exercising and looking after myself so I could be in the best possible shape to fall pregnant. Now, I think the unknown  of when my body is going to get back to normal has sent me into a downwards spiral. So, I need to pull up my socks and get back to being the best I can be.

2 - Let It Go - " Don't waste energy trying to change or alter things that are well beyond your control." Well, it doesn't take Einstein to see that I clearly have not let the miscarriage go. God knows I've tried but perhaps it's still early days. Rationally, I know I had no control of it but the irrational mind isn't so cooperative. This one remains a work in progress!

3 - Live For Now - "It's important to accept the past, dream of the future, but live in the moment." A very wise friend told me that the miscarriage presented an opportunity for my husband and I to spend more time together. Given we've only been together for 1.8 years, this probably isn't a bad thing. In this moment, today, we have spent the weekend together, although both feeling sick. But, it's time to be together, support each other and love each other. So we will continue to share and love being in each other's company.

4 - Expect The Best - "If you believe things will turn out well they usually do." This of course is a tough one because I never thought the pregnancy would end well. Does this mean I created it myself? Who's to know. But, it does remind me that next time, I must take a more positive approach to my journey.

5 - Back Yourself - "One of the most important ingredients in creating any success in life is to believe in it." This one I can whole heartedly support. I believe in my dreams, myself, my husband and us together. I believe that we are meant to have a baby and we will be delivered that. I believe that things will fall into place and I believe my body has the strength and power to produce a baby, be a sanctum for that baby and grow a healthy baby. I guess I just need to let it do that in it's own time.

6 - Give All You Can - "Be generous...what you give will determine what you receive." By nature I have always been a generous person. However, I am more generous with others than I am with myself. So this is a timely reminder to treat myself, my body and my mind more kindly. To show myself the love, support and encouragement I would show a friend going through the same thing. I don't know why I haven't done that to now - habit no doubt!

7 - Get Out Of The Way - "The only person who can really hold you back in your life is you." This speaks to the part of me that wonders if I am keeping myself in this time. There's part of me that chooses to go backwards everytime I think I'm moving forward. Like I'm somehow dishonouring Peanut's memory if I do move on. But, staying in this pocket of my life isn't a healthy place to be. I've experienced it enough to know there's something better up a head. I just need to walk the path to get there.

8 - Be Grateful - "When you focus on how much you already have, your true desires will be easily met." This is one thing I haven't struggled with. If anything, going through this has only highlighted everything I am so grateful for. I am grateful for the love, support and encouragement of my husband, family and friends. I am grateful to know who my true friends are and those who have disappointed me so I know who not to rely on next time. I am grateful my body fell pregnant when so many other women can't. I am grateful that this experience has strengthened so many of my relationships. While there's plenty to be sad about, I have always remembered this.

9 - Keep It Up - "It won't always be easy to do, be or have everything you want in life. Don't give up or choose a more complacent path should this take longer than you might have wished." So here's the old patience chestnut staring at me once again. There's no escaping the fact that this is going to take longer now. So in reading this, it seems slipping into the wine and chocolate has been a complacent path - complacent is the perfect word. It was almost like taking revenge on my body because I feel it failed me. However, if I want it to work for me, I need to stay focused, be diligent and look after myself. Luckily I poured the wine down the sink this morning!

10 - Be Brave - "If you want to be the best you can be, you need to do the right thing, not the easy thing." This is all about courage - having the courage to get back up when you've been knocked down. The courage to follow your dreams when people tell you you won't succeed. The courage to follow your heart and look defeat in the eye. Yes, it won't be easy but I am NOT going to let it defeat me. I will storm ahead on my trek and face whatever challenges it brings along. Actually, as I type this, I said a very similar thing in my wedding speech to my husband. I should have listened to myself more closely as I seemed to have forgotten that!

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