The curse of the cruel stick

I would have been 12 weeks today. It's been a pretty tough day. Mind you, I'm glad I didn't end up in the fetal position on the floor by the end of it.

Deep down I hoped I would get pregnant again straight away. Probably everyone does. But my body has been in such turmoil that everytime I think I've been ovulating, something else happens that makes me think I wasn't. I've had an enormous amount of cm which would normally tell me when ovulationg was approaching. However, because I've been getting it every few days, it's been impossible to know for sure. The ovulation tests have been no help so I haven't been able to rely on them. The normal signs - cramps, sore breasts - have been a constant. Especially the cramps! 

The cruelest part has been pregnancy symptoms - sore breasts, increase in cm, constant peeing, nausea and even a cold. But the pregnancy test remains negative so I have nothing left to think but my periods are coming. At this point in time, I've just decided to give up.

While the operation was taxing enough, you then have to go through the process of receiving all the bills in the mail, phoning up to pay them, taking them into Medicare and your health fund, have doctors call you up and have people constantly ask you how you're doing.Then just to cap it off they sit a woman next to you at work who is pregnant and due the same time you were so you're going to have a constant reminder for the next 6 months. Everytime one of these things happen, you relive the experience again. It seems that when you want to move on and not dwell on it, the world doesn't let you.

To add to the challenging week I've had, I had my four week check up with the obstetrician this week. He said everything looks okay. I told him I didn't know if I had ovulated or not because of all the different symptoms I was having. He did a scan and told me it looks like I was ovulating now. My husband and I contemplated whether we keep trying or not, but I realised I had nothing else to give at the moment. My energy levels are so low because it takes all my energy to get out of bed, face the day, and put on a brave face.

The obstetrician said if  my period does not come back in four weeks to go back and see him. He will put me on medication to make me ovulate. After doing some research, I saw there is 30% chance of falling pregnant on the medication. That's compared to a 25% chance of falling pregnant normally. I think I'd rather just have the medication!

I feel like I've been hit with the cruel stick over and over again through the past few weeks but the onset of my periods will surely be the hardest blow. It will be the final sign that I'm not pregnant anymore. It will be the crescendo to the ongoing tsumani of pain I've had to endure over the past few weeks. Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to it but I know it will be the end to my current storm and the rainbow always comes out at the end!