Wednesday, 28 November 2012

When one door closes....

Today marks the official closing to this chapter in my life. The significance of today is I finally got my period – thanks to good old progesterone! As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I was originally dreading this day as it would be the final slap to remind me I’m no longer pregnant. And part of me feels that.
I have taken a moment to recognise that sadness and honour it as another part of the grieving process. On some levels, it’s a tough day. But, I also recognise it as a new beginning. While the door on my first pregnancy is now closed, today opens up the new door to my next pregnancy, and hopefully my child.
 I’ve read stories of women whose period took months to come back, even with progesterone. So I’m thankful mine didn’t. I’ve read stories about women whose cycles don’t come back regularly and who find it difficult to know when they should try to conceive but I’m trying not to think about that too. Today is the first step of what I’m sure will be many before I hold my baby in my arms. So I’m focussing on that.
I have made an appointment to see the obstetrician next week. If we decide to go on ovulation medication, it will now have to start in my next cycle so for this month, we’ll just give it a go ourselves. It worked before so I’m keeping my mind clear of all the “what ifs” and focussing on what I know – I can get pregnant!
My concern is that I am still suffering cramps, headaches, sore breasts and a variety of other pains. As a result, I’m not confident I will know when I’m ovulating. But again, I’m putting that out of my head. I choose to be positive that my body will let me know what it’s doing. I choose to be patient that it may take time to happen again. I choose to be hopeful that we can pull this off with little intervention. However, I also choose to be proactive in searching out options, information and reassurance that we’re on the right track.
Today, I am standing somewhere between the two doors. I can picture myself, standing side on, with one hand closing one door, my front foot forward and my other hand twisting the knob of the other door. I feel frozen in that spot – ready to move forward but feeling anxious at the same time. I guess this is the feeling you have when you’ve been knocked down and you decide to get back up. It’s that moment, just before you stand again, that you realise standing up means you risk the same thing happening.
But this time, when you stand, you are older, wiser, calmer and so much braver than last time. So realising that, I pull the door shut behind me and step through the next one. Only time will tell what this new chapter will bring!  

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