Tuesday, 29 October 2013

5am tears

Ahh depression – there’s never a dull moment. From the highs of reaching third trimester yesterday, to waking up in tears at 5am this morning. You just never know when the joy is going to hit you.

For some reason, my body has got into the habit of waking up at 5am over the past 2 or 3 weeks. I assume it’s because my bladder is full as I always need to get up to go to the bathroom. Normally, I can get back to sleep but not today.

My tummy bug lasted about 5 hours yesterday and I managed to work through it all. Luckily it struck just as I was about to walk out the house so I could work from home. I worked until 5:30pm with a little lie down after lunch. By the end, I was feeling pretty exhausted. I went to bed early but didn’t manage to get to sleep so I think come this morning, I woke up feeling tiered and emotional.

The first thing that entered my head was wondering if Sticky was ok after yesterday’s events. I was sure the impact on my body wouldn’t have affected her in any way, other than maybe feeling some jerking from my intense stomach cramps. However, in the matter of just a few seconds, I went from thinking she was fine to picturing myself holding this lifeless body in my arms and attending her funeral.

I know, major catastrophising but the thought process literally happened in microseconds and the image of me was so overwhelming I didn’t have a chance to talk myself off the ledge. I just burst into tears. It’s not a good way to start the day and even worse for my husband who woke up to find his blubbering wife hugging him. Luckily, he’s an expert at managing these sudden outbursts now so he just hugs me and lets me cry it out until I can tell him about it.

I cannot begin to describe the distress these thought patterns create. Especially when they happen so quickly because I do not have time to do anything about. Normally, I can start to feel these emotions start to seep in and I can catch them by counteracting them with some positive self talk and reassuring myself. However, when the thought processes happen at warp speed, there is nothing I can do. To be honest, I’m a little concerned about it because I don’t like to think this is going to become a norm. I’ve put it on the list to speak to the counsellor about this week. Some much needed coping tips are needed but in the meantime, all I can do is remind myself of the above quote. How true it is!

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