Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Looking for a lift

One of the things I’m trying to be very conscious of as I make my way through the depression journey, is making sure I speak to people about how I’m feeling. The challenge is finding those who are strong enough to lift me and listen with open ears. 
Even before I fell pregnant with Peanut, I promised myself that no matter what I experienced, I would try my hardest never to complain about my pregnancy. I knew how lucky I would be to fall pregnant and I carried that philosophy into this pregnancy.

But, as I continue in this pregnancy, I realise things aren't that black and white. The reality is that this pregnancy has been the most emotionally and physically challenging 27 weeks of my life. I need to talk about it to process it. I don't want to start censoring myself or telling myself I don't have a right to feel like things are tough because they've been bloody tough! 

When I think back on my journey, I realise there's a fine line between being grateful and feeling like you're struggling. But, I also think I've remained grateful while going through my struggles. When I found out I lost Babs I remained grateful I still had Sticky. When I was lying on the floor in pain because I’d collapsed, I remained grateful Sticky was ok. When I felt so overwhelmed in the baby shop I felt the walls were closing in on me and I was suffocating, I remained grateful I had a baby to shop for. But my gratitude doesn't mean those moments weren't difficult, draining and painful. And my gratitude doesn't mean I don't have a right to express that. 

Keeping my feelings locked away for fear of other's responses will not make things better. I know I need to be able to talk about what I'm experiencing in an open and honest way, without feeling like I'll be shut down because of it. 

At any given point in time, we all hold a finite amount of strength which determines how much we can give others. At this particular point in time, there are those that are strong enough to handle the truth, those who can handle a watered down version and those who can’t handle any of it. Luckily, working in the communications industry for so long, I’ve learnt to tailor messages to the needs of different audiences. Now, I tailor my own messages. 

Sometimes it takes a lot of energy because people's strength levels are constantly changing - including my own. Maybe it’s one of the reasons I’ve become a bit of a hermit of late. It’s just easier to keep myself locked up at home, reserving my energy, not having to worry about what I might be exposing myself to. Like everyone else, this is normally based on my constantly changing strength levels.

At the end of the day, I know, with every fibre of my being, how lucky I am to have Sticky growing inside of me. I know how much I appreciate where I am and how blessed I feel to be able to experience this. The journey is hard, but I know it won’t be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to overcome in my life. It’s simply the journey I’m on for the next 12 weeks and then my journey will take another path. 

I also know how lucky I am to have all the fabulous people in my life that I have. Whether they can be there for me now or not doesn't matter. Because if they can't be there now, they'll be there in the future, just like they have been in the past. And just like I have been there for them in the moments I could. In this moment, I hope my loved ones who are low on strength can find some and I am grateful for those that can be there for me now and the fact they are strong enough to lift me when I need them to. 

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