Sunday, 6 October 2013

Happy Birthday Peanut

Today is Peanut's 1st birthday. That's how I choose to remember it. My options are clear - either remember today as a day of loss or a day of birth. I choose the later.

While I choose to remember today as a day of birth, it's not like I can erase the true events of what happened a year ago today. The truth is a year ago today, I was lying on a hospital bed, wearing a scratchy gown, being told my pregnancy was no longer viable. There's no forgetting that. However, focusing on that side of the story won't do me or Sticky any good.

While that moment in time is seared into my brain forever, there is one other moment from that day that has also left its mark. I remember going for a walk in the afternoon, trying to process what I had been told. I remember rubbing my belly and telling Peanut that if he was sick or in any pain it was ok for him to leave. It was the hardest and most impossible thing a Mother should ever have to say to her child but you do these things out of love.

A year on, I know what Peanut's purpose on this Earth was and he served it well. I also know what's Bab's purpose was and she served it well too. I think I know what Sticky's purpose is too, and that it is to live. Together, my 3 children have all played various and unique roles in shaping me into the Mother I am, and the Mother I will become.

So today, while I am sad, I also celebrate the experience I have had. I celebrate the 7 special weeks I got to spend with Peanut, and I cherish the fact that he is constantly around me. I also cherish that as I type this, for the first time today, I can feel Sticky moving about. She's been quiet this weekend and I've struggled to keep the faith everything is still ok. I like to think Peanut is sending me a sign to let me know everything is as it should be.

Thank you my special man. I love you to the moon and back.

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