Clinging on

Today is one of those days where I feel like I'm just clinging on. My friend gave me this card early on in the pregnancy and I'm reminded of its message again today!

Nothing has really happened to make me in a funk today. I guess it's just a down day. I've been feeling pretty good of late but I think that's the sucky thing about depression - you just never know when it's going to hit. So I decided it was a good day to just sit at home and recharge the batteries.

I did feel a bit sick last night with a swirly tummy and thought my tummy bug was back. At our hospital class on the weekend we went through pre, true and false labour symptoms. Funnily enough diarrhea is a pre- labour symptom. It doesn't mean I'm going into labour anytime soon, it just means my hormones are starting to ramp up and get prepared for birth. Frankly, I'd rather they found a less painful and annoying way to do that but it's not like I have any control over that.

The other thing I learnt about in the class was the pains I've been having in my upper abdomen are actually Braxton Hicks contractions. I always thought you got those just before you went into labour but apparently you can get them from 20 weeks onwards. They aren't really contractions, more like a hardness and muscle pain. It's felt at the top of the uterus as that's where the contractions start, as opposed to labour contractions which are felt in the cervix. So it's a little freaky to think my uterus is already starting to contract and prepare itself for labour. I'm all down for practicing, so long as the real thing doesn't start happening for at least another 8 weeks. I don't want to see any sign of this baby until at least 37 weeks.

So that's another of my issues today - the Braxton's are making me a bit uncomfortable and I'm in a bit of pain. It's not excruciating pain but its definite muscular pain so I'm moving a little gingerly.

On top of all of that, I didn't have a good night sleep so I'm feeling rather tiered. I keep having this recurring dream where something bad is happening to me and I try to call out for help but my voice only comes out as a husk whisper so no one hears me. Last night was the first time I actually yelled out "help" and it was loud enough to wake my husband up. I woke up at the same time as I always wake up in the dream just as I realise no one has heard me and whatever bad thing may happen. I was a bit shaken up by it and surprised I had actually yelled our. My husband told me that at least I now know that he will always help me so I don't have to worry about it anymore. While I find that reassuring, it doesn't take Frued to realise that I've got some underlying subconscious thing going on that something bad will happen and no one will be there for me. Clearly something else to talk to the counsellor about!

So, while I thought a day off work would be good to get the ironing and some cooking done, it doesn't look like that will happen. I feel really heavy and just lifting my arms is an effort. I am however being somewhat proactive and washing my Cabbage Patch dolls. I have two dolls from when I was a kid that I always saved for my child to play with one day. Given we have to take a doll to this weeks hospital class, I thought it was time to pull them out. Well, needless to say after spending the last 25 years in a box, they aren't looking their best and I thought I can't take them out in public looking like that! 

So I've washed their clothes and am now bathing the dolls so I can try to get 30 odd years of dust and dirt off them, ready to be played with by the next generation. I hope they come up sparkling clean as I'll then set them up in Sticky's room ready to go. I must say pulling them out bought all these great memories back of how much I loved them and the beautiful clothes my Grandmother made for them. I've even been inspired to try making some clothes for them myself. They won't be as beautiful as what I had but if I have a little collection ready to go when Sticky is old enough to want to play with them, then how much joy am I going to get from watching her play with them and dress them. That thought makes me smile!