Monday, 26 May 2014

The dreaded question

Over the past few weeks, the most common question I've been asked is "Will you have another baby?" Just the thought of it sends me into an anxiety meltdown, 

I'm not sure if it's the fact that people have short memories or they just don't think about things too clearly. I'm pretty sure it's the latter. Physically, I have recovered from the pregnancy, mentally, not so much. 

After I lost Peanut, I harnessed all the courage I could to give it another shot. After I lost Babs, the tank ran dry. I feel like I spent everything I had. 

Ever since I lost Peanut, I freak out everytime a friend tells me they're pregnant. This hasn't changed since having Sticky. I get an anxious knot in my chest when they tell me they're 6-8  weeks pregnant because that's when I lost Peanut and Babs. I get the same knot when they face their 12 and 20 week scans, go into premature labour and when their due dates approach. I spend their whole pregnancies constantly praying everything will be ok. I don't want them to experience what I have.

Everytime I feel anxious for a pregnant friend I realise I am no where near ready to seriously  contemplate having another baby. However, given I'm 40 next year, time is not on my side. So just thinking about not thinking about it stresses me out too! This is made difficult given how often I'm asked the question.

I know I can't stop people from asking me. Whenever someone does, I just tell them I haven't decided. Telling them my story, and the fact I need time to recover from the trauma of my journey seems a bit too much. I'm just going to stick with the only plan I have right now which is to give myself whatever time I need to recover, regroup and deal with the lingering scars I have. I have to do that for myself, and Sticky, before I look to bring another life into the world. 

So here's a little tip - if you know someone who has had a really difficult journey falling pregnant, keep on supporting them. The fact they have a baby does not erase the pain, scars or memories of their experience. In fact, it is often a constant reminder of what they went through and can make the recovery process even harder. But in saying that, don't leave them out of your own pregnancy experience because they will be the ones rooting for you the most!

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