Monday, 28 July 2014

Hardening up

We had Sticky's 6 month check up today including needles. Given it's my 4th time around, I'm clearly hardening up to the jabs!

I felt like a mean Mum today, planning Sticky's 6 month check up and needles, but I figured we may as well get it all done on the same day. She's doing well - meeting all of her milestones, weighing in at 6.48 kilos and measuring 67cm. Tall but thin, as she's always been!

As we left the check up, and walked into the next room for needles, I took deep breaths. I handed over my card and waited. I rolled up her pants legs, grabbed hold of her arm and leg and started singing Incy Winsy Spider. I hadn't done it before but seeming as it seems to fix whatever is ailing her, I decided to try. She looked up at me smiling. It was short lived as the first jab went in. I continued to sing between jabs but her crying drowned me out.

This time around though, the nurse had a secret weapon up her sleeves - bubbles. She started blowing bubbles straight away which immediately stopped the crying. Sticky was trying to stifle her sniffle as she sat mesmerised by the bubbles. Two minutes later, no more tears.

She sat there smiling as we waited after, and was happy interacting with the other babies. I started talking to the mother of twins next to us who had just had their first needles. She was upset at how they had both lost their breath and I reassured her they won't do that next time. I looked at these two little 6 week old cherubs and couldn't believe Sticky was once that small. She looked at Sticky and couldn't believe they would be that big in a few months! I shared some other tips and recommendations with her, hoping it would make her life a little easier.

I walked out feeling a pang in the heart. It's the same pang I get whenever I see someone with twins. It's a mix of jealously, longing, wonderment, anger and pain. Funnily enough, I never try to make myself feel better by telling myself life is easier with just one. I know that, and despite everyone telling me that, it never makes me feel better. There's nothing I can tell myself to make me feel better. All it does it make me squeeze, hug and kiss Sticky more because I am enormously thankful I have her.

So a funny day all around. On one hand, I found out I've hardened up being able to deal with injections. On the other, my heart remains soft. However, I suspect my heart will never harden up to my lost babies and it's ok, because I don't think I want it to! 

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