Monday, 25 August 2014

Crisis of confidence

With my celebration registration in hand, I've tried to bound forward in getting my business up and running. I've faced IT frustrations, insurance questions and photo nightmares, but by far the greatest hurdle is my self belief.

I caught up with a fellow celebrant friend yesterday who has been so supportive of my quest to join her in this industry. Her generosity of time and information has been enormously touching and so helpful. We had a lovely lunch discussing all things celebrant and I peppered her with a million questions. It was great to have that support. I then came home and had a total meltdown.

I suddenly felt enormously over whelmed by what I was trying to do - start a business, while juggling being a mother, wife, friend, daughter and sister. Not to mention preparing to return to my main job in a few months. All I could think was "what the hell are you doing."

I told my husband I felt anxious and enormously self critical. I spent a few hours trying to photoshop a picture of myself for my business Facebook page because it didn't look right. I didn't look right. My eyebrows didn't look right! He said that's not like you and he was right, normally it wouldn't be.

Normally, I walk into a work situation and suss it out quickly, give clients the answer and go off and make the results happen. But, I had to remind myself that I didn't start out like that. It's taken me 10 years to get this point so starting out a new venture will be the same. 

I expect celebrancy to be a bit like internet dating - people will look at my website, check out my face, read my words and decide if they want to meet me. I haven't had to subject myself to that kind of public scrutiny since meeting my husband on an internet dating site!

This experience is exactly the same - I agonise over the right photo, the right angle the right hair, the right words. I question everything I write - will that put people off or make them assume something about me? The what ifs are endless.

But, I remind myself, that I have excellent instincts. I work in marketing and communications so I know consumer behaviour. I know that people choose celebrants for a range of reasons and I can't appeal to all of them. 

I remind myself that on one occasion, a guy read my words and saw my photo and now he's my husband. I hit the jackpot once so I will again!

And I remind myself that Sticky will be learning from my approach to this. I want to teach her that trying new things can be scary. We can worry about whether we'll be a success or not. We can worry about whether people will like us or not. We can worry about whether we'll be good or not. But, the most important thing is to believe in ourselves. As Marilena Reka said, "If you listen to the doubts in your mind, you'll never achieve the dreams in your heart." 

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