Monday, 11 August 2014

Knowing when to let go

My husband and I have been talking about when to move Sticky into her own room. I'm hesitant to do it because she still seems so little. But she'll soon be 7 months and heading off to child care. Does that make her small or does that make me want to hold onto her as long as I can?

I still check on her when she sleeps. I still squint in the dark to make sure she's breathing. If I can't see her chest rising, I listen for her breath. If I can't hear it, I'll place my hands on her chest to feel it move. Not every night but often enough. Of course I could do this if she was in another room but I just feel more secure having her next to me.

While she's in her cot, the blanket is in the right position. A breathing pad monitors her breathing. Rationally, I know she is safe. I think it's just the prospect that in 18 days I will leave her for the first time in care. I'm struggling enough with that as it is. Taking her away from my side seems just too much for me to cope with at the moment. And yes, I know, it is all about me and yes, I know I probably need to take a teaspoon of cement and harden up!

My husband had no idea I was feeling so uncomfortable about leaving her in care until he overheard a conversation I had with a friend. I told her we needed to catch up on the day so I could keep myself busy. My husband told me he would take the day off to spend it with me.   I feel like I could easily spend the day sitting on the couch crying. All of my friends have told me they cried the first time they left them so I know it's natural.

It's an interesting mix of emotion. I worry that she won't know where I am. I worry she'll be scared. I worry that she will feel abandoned. I worry she won't actually miss me at all and I think that's the most likely outcome.

I'm doing the best I can by preparing her. By the time I leave her for a full day, she would have been there 5 times. While the staff tell me it's great I'm investing this time preparing her, I think they secretly think I'm a little over the top. Deep down I think she will be fine. I think I'm investing the time to prepare myself.

I know it's all for the best so I raise a confident daughter who can make her own way in the world. It just seems like it's sprung up so quickly. How did she get so big so quickly? How did the time go by so fast? Why am I already needing to let her go out into the world?

Maybe the prospect of sending her off to daycare will be easier once I master sending her off into her own room. It's such a small thing but it seems so huge. Maybe because it's the first step on her road to independence.

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