Monday, 9 September 2013

20 weeks - on the downhill slide!

 20 weeks – I am officially over half way and am now on the down hill slide. Thank god because if the last few days are anything to go by, I could be in for a rocky road.

I apologise for not posting for a few days. It’s been a hectic few days so here’s what’s been happening.

Friday – I had the day off work as my back was not being friendly. I had lots of pulls and cramps and just knew I needed the day at home. However, sitting and laying on the couch was not doing me any favours so I decided moving around was better. I took myself off to do some errands where I could just walk.

This included going into a department store to look for maternity summer shorts. I didn’t find any so took a tour of the baby section instead. I was looking at prams, nappies, cot sheets and other baby paraphernalia.  I came across a Seasme Street play suit which was just gorgeous. I haven’t bought any clothes for Sticky because I have draws full of clothes, but I was considering getting one in a larger size. I told myself that the $20 price tag wasn’t worth it for the 2 months she’d wear it for so I left it behind.

I got home and decided to watch the dvd of our scan. When it got to the part when they shook the scanner to try to get the baby to move, I started feeling bad. Here we were disrupting her sleep just to get her to stretch out so we could see the sex. Well, we needed to see her organs too, but I still felt bad and selfish.  

As I watched her curled up in a little ball, with her arms and knees covering her face, I wondered who this little being would grow up to be. I wondered what kind of personality she would have – would she be introverted like her father, and like she currently was all curled up, or would she be extroverted like her mother and want to be the life of the party? Would she be a mixture of us both and have her quiet and loud times? I sat there in total amazement that I could watch her move and wriggle about and make these cheeky grins she was giving us.

I didn’t really think about it for the rest of the day but something triggered the moment I got into bed and I burst into tears. I told my husband I suddenly realised I hadn’t bought the play suit because I wasn’t brave enough. I didn’t really care about the $20. I just wasn’t brave enough to believe Sticky would make it to wear it. I wasn’t brave enough to trust everything will be ok.  

I was angry at myself for being so weak and negative. I was angry at myself for being so fearful. I was angry that these emotions are part of my experience. I was scared that I would never get to hold that precious little soul who was happy just being curled up in a ball. I was plagued by all the what ifs. I hadn’t cried so hard and for so long in such a long time. Eventually, it all came out and I could go to sleep.

Saturday – I woke up feeling drained and exhausted. Crying tends to do that to me. But, I needed to put it aside because there were things to do. Sitting at home on Friday made me realise we need to get a new couch. We were always going to because ours is material which is no good for a baby, but we hadn’t set a timeframe to do it. I can no longer comfortably sit on it, and it’s starting to make my back worse so the time had come.

We sat on a variety of couches and debated what we would get. We finally made a decision and I went back to the store to get the dimensions to measure it up at home. Luckily I did because we realised it wouldn’t fit. I suggested to my husband a way to reconfigure it, but, given the cost of it, he didn’t want to be pressured into making a decision.

I understood that and told him I wasn’t trying to pressure him – I was just pointing out facts. The couch is no longer good for me. Ordering a new one will take 12 weeks to arrive. Even ordering it today we would be lucky to get it before Christmas. If we don’t, we won’t get it until after and that means I will have to go through the whole pregnancy with a bad couch. He walked off in a humph and I started to feel very anxious, overwhelmed and frustrated that my back continues to cause so much grief.
In the end, he agreed so I let him choose the colour – black! Oh well, I suppose I can suck that up.
We then went to my uncle’s house to check out his pram as he said he would lend it to us. It looked fine, seemed high enough and was easy enough to use. All was good until I had to lift it into the car – it was not light. This could be an issue. We took it home but decided we would go and look at other prams to compare weight. Lugging this thing in and out of a car was going to take it’s toll on me over the next few years.

Sunday – We were feeling pretty buggered after couch shopping and I still wasn’t able to shake the fog that hung over me from Friday night. We had a list of chores we had to do and again, I was frustrated at how much I had to ask my husband to do. As an independent person, asking for help does not come naturally to me.

We decided to look at prams in the morning before the day got away from us. We walked into the shop and again, I felt overwhelmed. There are so many choices and each one has a range of different options. It seems the trend in prams is to have a removable seat/bassinette so the base can also be used for a car seat. While separating the pieces makes it lighter, the extra time in having to take the seat off, put it in the boot, collapse the base, put it in the boot, and then repeat that when you get out, seems a little too labour and time intensive to me.

One of the prams collapsed all the way on the ground so you had to pick it up from ground level. My husband just flicked it up with his foot and said “See, it’s easy.” I had to point out to him that while it was easy for him, for me, with my back, it was impossible. We walked out with nothing because there was no outstanding choice. Right now, it looks like I’m going to have to play weights with my Uncle’s pram and try to build up some upper core strength.

I know how much I will have to bend, lift and carry with a child. You can’t escape it, but how do you do it when you are so limited? As my back gets worse, it’s not just my frustration at my inability to do these things that annoys me, it’s my concern that my back may prevent me from developing the relationship I want to have with my child. The thought of saying “Sorry, Mummy can’t pick you up because of my back. Or “Sorry, Mummy will need to sit down to give you a cuddle because of my back” breaks my heart. I know those things don’t define whether you’re a good Mother or not, but given children are interested in cuddling you for such a short time, I don’t want to miss out on a single opportunity to receive a cuddle.

I know there isn’t a great deal I can do. I know it means I will need to adapt my behaviour to compensate for my back problems. I know it means there is no choice but to accept I won’t be able to do everything I want to do. Right now, I’m just throwing a tantrum in response to that. I’ll need some time to get over it!    

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