Monday, 23 September 2013

22 weeks - the dodgem cars begin

22 weeks – My Mother sent me this pic which I just love. It couldn’t come at a better time as I had another meltdown over the weekend when my brother told me about a woman at his work who lost her baby 5 weeks before it was due. While I love the fact that I will be Sticky’s protector when she gets here, I worry about who’s protecting her until then?

My brother told me that story for good reason. I told him I was going to finish work at 30 weeks and he said “Good, otherwise I would have made you.” He told me the story because this woman’s doctor apparently told her to finish early and she didn’t. So my brother was preparing to open a can of whoop ass on me if I didn’t heed the doctor’s advice.

He was relieved to know I was but I was not relieved by the conversation. I got off the phone and burst into tears. It was just bad timing to have the conversation. We had gone car shopping in the afternoon and after 20 mins of walking around in the hot sun, I decided I’d had enough and wanted to leave. I realised I’m just not ready to make such a large purchase because I’m still worried Sticky will make it. I was also thinking of my friend who had a full-term stillborn last year as this week would have been her daughter’s 1 year birthday. It was all just a bit too much for me.

This break down then led me to pleading and in fact begging with Sticky for her to kick me. Again, I heard a little voice say “I’m trying Mumma but I’m just too small.” Then I felt bad. I realised that I’m already rousing on my child for not doing what I want them to do and she isn’t even here yet! But, I was only rousing because of my own issues, not hers.

I realised I need to deal with my own fears and insecurities and not put them onto my daughter. I know it’s one of the things you need to do as a good Mother – don’t make your issues your child’s issues. God knows I’ve seen what that does to a child and it’s not pretty. Clearly, I still need to work on that.

I profusely apologised to Sticky and told her I would try to be brave. I told her I had the utmost faith in her and me. And I know that Peanut and Babs are the ones who are protecting her until it’s my turn.  Sometimes, I just forget. I call it the pin-number effect. Where you go to the ATM and you suddenly can’t remember your pin. You know you know it, but just in that moment, you’ve forgotten. So, I’ll try not to let my fear cloud my knowledge.

Sticky must have accepted my apology because today she’s been wriggling up a storm. I haven’t had any big kicks but definitely some considerable bumps so she might be playing dodgem cars in there. Either way, I don’t care. I’m just over the moon to know she’s in there dancing around. It’s the best feeling in the world!

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