Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Remembering my Spirit Babies

Towards the end of last year, I came across the following passage. I found it enormously comforting at the time as I think I found it a few weeks after my miscarriage. For some reason, I’ve been thinking of it a lot of late so had to delve into some old Facbeook messages to find it. It’s a story about moving on from loss.

It looks long but it’s such an engaging story you don’t realise you’re reading it. For any of you that are moving on from loss, I highly recommend getting yourself a cup of coffee, sitting down and reading it. If you’re like me, you’ll want to read it a few times.

Basically, the premise of it is the wisdom of a 12 year old boy that explains to his Mother that every woman has a circle of babies that goes around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. If she gets pregnant, the first baby in line is born. If she doesn’t, the baby goes back into the circle. If she gets pregnant but something happens before the baby’s born it goes back into the circle, but becomes a Spirit Baby. All the other babies stand behind it and let it be the first in line every month.

If the woman doesn’t fall pregnant again, the baby circle beams the Spirit Baby over to another woman’s circle, and it’ll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born.

In the end, the woman can’t understand her son’s strong desire for her to have another baby. He simply tells her “Just for the joy of it.”

I love this story. I love the concept that my babies are all spinning around me waiting to be born. Now I have two spirit babies and I’m sure they are still spinning above me, but I think they’ve given up their space in the circle to let Sticky through. I have a funny feeling they realise they played the role in my life that they were meant to play, and now they know the role they have to play in Sticky’s life.

They didn’t let her come unequipped though. They sat her down and gave her all the tools, weapons and magic potions she would need to make this perilous journey. Peanut and Babs are like Sticky’s Obi Wan Kenobe – always looking over her and guiding her on her path.

In a flashbulb moment, I’ve just reaslied why I’ve been thinking of this story so much of late. In 11 days it will be the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. I guess my sub conscious is trying to figure out a way to make sense of the past year and find peace and acceptance about it. I do feel peaceful when I think of Peanut and Babs like that. And I do feel acceptance by realising what they were placed on this world to do.

They were each given a small amount of time to teach me what I needed to learn. Point me in a direction I needed to head. Shape me into a person I needed to become. I truly believe that they are the only ones who could have achieved that and I am enormously proud of my little ones for achieving so much in such a short time. While my heart still yearns for them, it also swells with the immense gratitude I have that I was sent such amazing teachers.

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