Towards the end of last year, I came across the following
passage. I found it enormously comforting at the time as I think I found it a
few weeks after my miscarriage. For some reason, I’ve been thinking of it a lot
of late so had to delve into some old Facbeook messages to find it. It’s a
story about moving on from loss.
It looks long but it’s such an
engaging story you don’t realise you’re reading it. For any of you that are
moving on from loss, I highly recommend getting yourself a cup of coffee,
sitting down and reading it. If you’re like me, you’ll want to read it a few
times.
Basically, the premise of it is
the wisdom of a 12 year old boy that explains to his Mother that every woman
has a circle of babies that goes around above her head, and those are all the
possible babies she could have in her whole life. If she gets pregnant, the
first baby in line is born. If she doesn’t, the baby goes back into the circle.
If she gets pregnant but something happens before the baby’s born it goes back
into the circle, but becomes a Spirit Baby. All the other babies stand behind
it and let it be the first in line every month.
If the woman doesn’t fall pregnant
again, the baby circle beams the Spirit Baby over to another woman’s circle,
and it’ll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere
until it finally gets born.
In
the end, the woman can’t understand her son’s strong desire for her to have
another baby. He simply tells her “Just for the joy of it.”
I
love this story. I love the concept that my babies are all spinning around me
waiting to be born. Now I have two spirit babies and I’m sure they are still
spinning above me, but I think they’ve given up their space in the circle to
let Sticky through. I have a funny feeling they realise they played the role in
my life that they were meant to play, and now they know the role they have to
play in Sticky’s life.
They
didn’t let her come unequipped though. They sat her down and gave her all the
tools, weapons and magic potions she would need to make this perilous journey.
Peanut and Babs are like Sticky’s Obi Wan Kenobe – always looking over her and
guiding her on her path.
In
a flashbulb moment, I’ve just reaslied why I’ve been thinking of this story so
much of late. In 11 days it will be the one year anniversary of my miscarriage.
I guess my sub conscious is trying to figure out a way to make sense of
the past year and find peace and acceptance about it. I do feel peaceful when I
think of Peanut and Babs like that. And I do feel acceptance by realising what
they were placed on this world to do.
They
were each given a small amount of time to teach me what I needed to learn.
Point me in a direction I needed to head. Shape me into a person I needed to
become. I truly believe that they are the only ones who could have achieved
that and I am enormously proud of my little ones for achieving so much in such a short time. While my heart still yearns for them, it also
swells with the immense gratitude I have that I was sent such amazing teachers.
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