Saturday, 26 January 2013

Buckling under the strain

And bam! All of a sudden I was back in the angry stage of grief. It hit me like a tonne of bricks and I collapsed under the strain of everything this week had delivered.

I still wasn't convinced that I wasn't pregnant. I don't know why - maybe it was the ongoing symptoms, lack of my periods turning up or just denial, but something told me to do another pregnancy test. I went to the chemist and bought two different brands to the one I had - both were negative. It was the final straw - everything that had been bubbling up under the surface erupted with fury.

All the pent up anger ran out in one steady flow. I was angry that my friend told me she was suddenly surrounded by babies. I was angry at my hair for not staying in the hairstyle I wanted. I was angry that my coffee was too hot this morning and I had to spit it out. I was angry that I put too much chilli in the laksa I made for dinner. I was angry that the frog in the drain pipe wouldn't shut up. I was angry that my periods hadn't turned up. I was angry that my recovery process was taking so long. I was angry that I wasn't nearing the end of my 2nd trimester. I was angry Peanut was gone. I was angry I wasn't pregnant. 

Exhausted and drained, I laid in bed and the tears came in a torrent that I couldn't stop. I felt I just didn't have the energy to fight anymore. I felt like when it was meant to be getting easier, it was getting harder. I felt I had lost a piece of myself I was never going to get back. I felt like I would never be whole again. 

As I rolled over in bed, eyes red and swollen, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Staring back at me was my hair, perfectly shaped in the hairstyle I had been trying to achieve. All this time I had been using gel and mousse, when all I needed to do was just spend 45mins laying in bed in the foetal position. It made me smile, if only for a brief second.

Finally, the tears stopped and I laid in bed listening to the stupid frog. I sent a silent prayer to Peanut to give me strength to continue my battle. I also prayed that tomorrow might be just a little bit easier. I drifted off to sleep with my fingers crossed! 

Sadly, my sleep was rudely interrupted this morning by our smoke alarm going off at 5:30am for no reason. My husband had to disconnect it after it continued to beep. I couldn't go back to sleep, and after my crying fest, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I realised today was not going to be easier so maybe some luck will finally come my way tomorrow!

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