Friday, 11 January 2013

Feeling deflated

This photo sums up how I’m feeling today – flat, deflated, low on air and a little beat up! It’s funny that I started out this week so excited and positive, but now, I feel like a husk!

Nothing really dramatic has happened this week – I think it’s just been a culmination of things. My first week back at work has been very busy which is good, but tiring. I’m not complaining about it - I’d rather be busy than have nothing to do, but people have been voicing their ongoing anger about everything that happened last year – loosing a lot of staff, saying goodbye to friends and not knowing for 9 months if we’d have a job or not. There is still a lot of hurt going on and engaging in the conversations dredged up a lot of my pain from last year too.

On top of this, I have been having bouts of nausea, headaches, cramps, sore breasts and extreme tiredness for 3 days now. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was pregnant. But according to my last home pregnancy test, done 6 days ago, I’m not. It’s funny how the body can play these tortuous tricks on you – making you feel like your pregnant when you’re not. Actually, it’s not funny at all – it’s down right cruel!

To cap it all off, I got on the scales this morning to find out I had put on weight this week instead of losing it. This let a little more air out of my tyres as I had exercised and got back into my normal eating routine after my holiday splurge. But clearly, more work needs to be done!

I’ve decided I’m going to give up wine and chocolate for 30 days, joining a friend who’s on the same crusade. I’m not making a big deal about it, I’m just trying to get myself healthier. I remember giving up wine before I got pregnant and I felt much better for it. I know it’s become a crutch for me since the miscarriage and I’ve given myself permission to indulge when and with how much I like. I think it’s time to stop and find a better coping mechanism!

I’m disappointed I feel so down. I was and still am excited to go to the homeopath today. Perhaps the timing is all perfect – if I am starting a new fertility program today, it’s probably the right time to sort the rest of my health out too - no point doing a half-hearted effort! So hopefully, I will feel buoyed by the fact I’m taking a proactive step forward. I hope so, because I can’t use wine and chocolate to boost me up for a while!     

Image by Tao55
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