Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Releasing the safety net

When I first started this baby journey I posted about the Big If – the trap we fall into when we say “if we have kids” rather than “when we have kids.” I felt it was a rather pessimistic view to take – basically saying to yourself we “might” have kids, rather than we “will”! I had to make a conscious effort to change my language but I did and felt more positive as a result. However, I’ve noticed I’ve slipped into old habits!

I was walking along in my own little world this morning when I suddenly remembered a conversation I had with a friend a few days ago.  I said “if we have children.” I’m not sure if this is the first time I’ve said it recently as it’s highly likely I’ve been oblivious to my language over the past few weeks. Despite the reason, it jolted me out of my little world.

I started thinking about why I had slipped back into this old habit and realised I don’t feel as certain of having children post-miscarriage as I did pre-miscarriage. Clearly, the miscarriage has put some doubt in my mind. When I started out, there was no reason to suspect I wouldn’t have children, now there is. That’s the ongoing cruelty of a miscarriage – it taints all of your views about children, your dreams and what you can achieve in life. You live in fear of it happening again.

On the whole, I’m feeling pretty positive right now. It’s taken 13 weeks but I FINALLY feel like I’m back on steady ground, regained my “Fizazz”, and am able to throw myself back into trying to conceive. Consciously, I have no doubt that I will fall pregnant. Sub-consciously, I have doubt that I will keep it. In psychology speak, this is known as “cognitive dissonance” – the feeling of discomfort you have when you hold conflicting ideas or beliefs. I guess this is my challenge moving forward, how do I resolve the conflict and bring the “inner Fiona” back into one happy being?

In my original post, I spoke about the “if” in pessimistic terms – taking a negative view on life. Now, with the beauty of hindsight, I realise it wasn’t just about being pessimistic, it was creating a safety net. We use “if” as our “get out of jail free card” in life. When we say “if this happens”, we’re actually saying “I’m not getting my hopes up so I’m just creating a cushion for myself in case it doesn’t happen.” Yep, I was just creating a safe place to fall.

I reminded myself of my Mantra, and the fact I’ve made the commitment not to live in fear of “ifs” anymore. The rational response is therefore I’m no longer living in fear so I don’t need a safety net – like a trapeze artist, I just have to be brave, trust and let go. So farewell safety net, given I WILL have a baby, I don’t need you anymore!

Image by Boaz Yiftach
Courtesy of


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