Thursday, 24 January 2013

Handling the triggers after loosing a baby

As I sat on the train this morning, a woman got on with her 2 year old in a pram. I overheard her say to someone it was his first train ride. I looked at him and noticed the look on his face was a mixture of fear, excitement and joy as he embarked on this great adventure. He looked around noting all the lights, sounds and people around him. Suddenly, he yelled out “toot toot” and a huge smile spread across his face. As he sat there revelling in his new experience, I sat there willing my tears not to stream down my face.

My heart melted. It was one of those moments that trigger all the “boo hoo poor me” thoughts – I want to experience that, why don’t I get to experience that, I was meant to have a baby this year, why aren’t I having a baby this year etc. etc. Experience tells me that I’m more prone to responding to these triggers when I’m tiered or emotional and today I’m both because:
1 – last night my new neighbour decided that 10pm to 1:30am would be the best time to move in =   tiered 
2 – I did a pregnancy test yesterday and it came back negative = emotional.

I know I said I was going to wait until I was a week late but I had severe cramps yesterday, like I did in my first pregnancy, so was a little freaked out the same thing was happening. It’s so cruel that our body exhibits so many symptoms, caused by different things, that mirror pregnancy symptoms. It would be much easier if we came with a trouble-shooting guide that said this pain means you’re stressed, this pain means you’re sick and this pain means you’re pregnant. 

I spent most of yesterday feeling down in the dumps so the negative result just added a bit more down to my dumps. As a result, I decided I need to take a big step back from the whole baby-making process. I said farewell to the girls on my forum, telling them I needed to take a break from reading and commenting on everyone’s symptoms and counselling everyone through their own journey. While I’m more than happy to provide support, I can’t keep doing it when it takes a toll on me.

I’ve decided to take a simpler approach to baby making - no more ovulation prediction tests, no more monitoring symptoms, no more googling, no more predictions, no more analysing. I realise how exhausting it is to continually be noting and writing things down. From now on, the only thing I will take note of is when my periods start and stop and when my fertile window is. Other than that, there really isn’t anything else I need to know that will impact on my ability to fall pregnant.

Actually, now I think about it, I’ve felt a little out of sorts all week. I’ve suddenly realised that talking to my husband about going away in May for the week Peanut was due has left some residue. As  I mentioned, I compiled a business case to persuade my husband to let me spend the money. As part of that, I included a rationale for why I wanted to go:

Thursday 23 May 2013 is Peanut’s due date. While this may not have been the actual birthday, it is the date that I will always consider to be the day our baby should have entered the world. This date will therefore be one I can never forget, and one that will bring a tinge of sadness every year for the rest of my life. That week is also the week that three other people I know are  due so it will be difficult to see and hear birth announcements without having one of my own.

While I appreciate this is a day that I will need to survive for the rest of my life, I believe the first year will be the hardest. I have always thought of it as the last trigger event related to the miscarriage so for this year, I would like to be somewhere else to experience it.
I would like to spend the day relaxed, in beautiful surroundings, celebrating the wonderful things in our life. While I know it will be a day of sadness, I also want it to be one of remembrance, love and optimism.  For those reasons I thought Port Douglas would be a good option. I therefore submit for your review a business case, with proposed options, for a holiday to Port Douglas.

As I read over this, the tears well up again so yep, pretty good indication that this has really affected me this week. I’m glad it has as clearly it’s all part of the recovery process. However, there is always a silver lining – as soon as my husband finished reading this first section he just looked at me and said “Book in and spend whatever you like baby!” I have the best husband!

Image by Idea on
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  1. I've already taken off the day after what could have been my baby's "b-day". Mine was due on March 17,2013. I know it's already a weekend day but I figured I may need a little extra time... Oh and a co-worker of mine is due on the 18th and it gets better... we work in early childhood and her baby will more than likely be in my class! I have a lot to work through in the next few months.

  2. Robin, I think that's a really smart thing to do. I think it's important that we look after ourselves through this process, and be unapologetic for doing so. I think this is the one time in our life we can be selfish, althought I prefer to say self-ist, and do whatever we need to do to get through the day!
    I do have 2 women at work both sue the same time as me so I know how difficult that can be. I also use to work in child care so I can imagine that would be very difficult for you to be in that situation where babies are coming through all the time.
    Sadly, I realised we just can't escape these things thing life and all we can do is build our defences towards them. It sounds like you and your husband are dedicated to your baby cause so I'm truly inspired by your determination and stoicness to never give up!



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