Sunday, 27 January 2013

Settling in for the long haul

After feeling like I had been struggling the past few days, I decided to be proactive and message a good friend of mine. She very generously shared her experience of miscarriage with me when she heard about mine. I was so glad she did as it gave me someone else to talk to.

I've always looked up to J as my poster-woman for the older mother's plight. She had her first child at 40 so she showed me that I don't have to worry about being too old and decrepit to become a mother. Sadly, she hasn't yet achieved her dream of having another child, but she remains committed to the cause - not yet ready to give up on her dream. I find that enormously inspirational.

I told her that I was struggling, feeling frustrated about the slow progress I was making. She empathised with my situation as she didn't have the same problems I do, but she told me it had taken her a year to fall pregnant after her first miscarriage and she was still trying following her second. They were the words I needed to hear - suddenly it became oh so clear - I need to be in this for the long haul.

Coincidentally, we both fell pregnant on our third attempt. Thankfully, despite a few hiccups, she gave birth to a beautiful little girl. We were both in shock that it happened so quickly and naturally assumed it would happen that quickly again. J was very wrong, and I'm beginning to think I am too. While it's only been 4 months for me, there are no signs to suggest the next baby is coming anytime soon.

In talking to J, I realised that so much of my frustration is tied to the dwindling hope I'll be able to have 2 children as I always wanted. I know there is still hope but at this rate, I would have to do a Tori Spelling and fall pregnant 6 weeks after giving birth! (I do know that is a major exaggeration). I'm dumbfounded as to why I am fixated on the second child when the first doesn't even exist. The first isn't even a glint in my eye at the moment and clearly, there can be no second if there is no first.  

So, the grand outcome of all of this is understanding that before I think about number 2, I have to bring number 1 here safe and sound. If I run out of time for number 2, then so be it. But I think, would you have rather have 1 here or none? The answer to that is clear. 

Once again, the universe is sending me a big slap in the face with a wet fish called patience. I can hear it saying to me, "Fiona, stop making yourself crazy, good things come to those who wait." And my natural response is to revert to my inner 2 year old, stamp my feet, jump up and down and say "I don't want to wait, I want it now!" Last time I looked though, that response very rarely got anyone anything!   

Clearly, the only sane way to handle this is to pull out my comfy slippers and blanket, fluff up the cushions on the couch and prepare to bunker down. If I'm settling in for the long haul, I'm going to make sure I do it in comfort!

I took that new approach to bed with me and had the most restful sleep I'd had all week. However, I woke up with my breasts so sore I could barely roll over to get out of bed. I decided to test again. I did the digital test and it came up positive so I did the other two strip tests which both came out negative. Today my periods are 3 days late so it could be too early for the other tests to register. It could also be a false positive. I don't feel that my symptoms are strong enough to believe I'm pregnant, but there has definitely been an internal voice that hasn't let me give up the dream this week. Needless to say, all it has done is create more anxiety. There is a slight glimmer of hope but I'm certainly not getting my hopes up so no messages of congratulations are needed at this point!

The benefit of the digital tests is you don't have to strain to see if there is a second line or not. It just says whether you are pregnant or not. I guess given the results of the other tests, I'm not convinced at this point. Again, another reason why you don't test until you are a week late! One day I'll learn!

So where to from here? I'm going to wait until Tuesday to retest. I've bought another brand of digital tests so will conduct an experiment - 2 digital tests versus 2 strip tests! Whatever the majority says it what I will go with. Come back Tuesday for the big announcement!

Image by marin
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