Thursday, 10 January 2013

Tornado scars

I was so excited to get home yesterday to find a package in the post box. My copy of “There was supposed to be a baby” by Catherine Keating had finally arrived! A blog reader told me about this book so I decided to check it out. I’m already half way through and must extend my thanks to you Jackie for the recommendation! I’ll reserve my review until I’ve finished it but there were some initial thoughts I wanted to share.

One of the statements Catherine wrote really resonated with me “I am proud of the journey I have walked and I wear my scars with pride. They make me shine a little bit brighter.” I am enormously proud of the journey I have made since losing my baby and the scars I bare. It’s amazing to think how we have these events in our life that put us on another path, a different trajectory to what we were on. We get sucked up into the tornado and spat out after the whirlwind has passed. We just dust ourselves off and assess the damage left in its wake.
I do bare the scars of my tornado. I do wear them with pride. I am a “brighter” person. As I’ve spoken about before, going through this has made me a better version of myself.  It made me a better person, better friend, better wife, better sister, better daughter and will eventually make me a better Mother. The scars will be there forever and they will eventually fade, however, I don’t mind scars. They show where you have been in life, what you have gone through and what you have survived, and remind you of how far you have come.
I see how well I’ve handled my tornado, how I’ve shown such grace and dignity, how I’ve let go of anger and bitterness, how I’ve forgiven and how I’ve grown. I see how sharing my story has impacted others – made Mothers more grateful for their children, strengthened relationships, reignited old relationships and developed new relationships. I read the words of thanks I’ve received from those experiencing the same pain – thanks for sharing, reaching out to them, representing them, encouraging them and most importantly, acknowledging them.
I know I’ve shown enormous strength to be where I am but I’ve needed a lot of propping, support and shoulders to cry on to get here. I know that has come from my family and friends, but a lot has also come from Peanut – my little angel baby. I often stop and wonder at the impact this little soul has had on my life, and as a result, the lives of countless others. The footprint Peanut left behind has been immense and will no doubt continue to grow. To be honest, I always expected a child of mine would have the power to influence the world, but it makes me sad. If Peanut has had this much impact without ever taking a breath, what more could he/she have achieved by actually walking through the world? Although I realise that Peanut’s purpose in this life was to do exactly what has happened – to help Mummy help others!      

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