Thursday, 9 May 2013

A sign from the Angels

My friend sent me a link to a blog post today from a woman who had a stillborn baby three years ago. Her coping suggestions were very similar to my own and they seem just as relevant now as they did when I wrote them, given the triggers I’ll be facing in the next few weeks. However, this woman did make one vital differentiation and it’s one I so needed to hear.

She said Babies take up so much time and energy from their mothers in that first year, and when your baby dies that does not change. You have all this God-given energy that was supposed to be for mothering your child. Now you must find a way to use this. You can still mother your child, but it will look very different from what you imagined when you found yourself expecting.”

When I was pregnant, I thought the first year of my baby’s life would be tough. It would be all about getting into a routine, dealing with sleepless nights, coping with anxiety and fear, learning new skills and bonding with my baby. That was my idea of what my introduction to Motherhood would be. In some ways, I was right.

Since the miscarriage, I have struggled to get back into a routine. I’ve dealt with sleepless nights and coped with anxiety and fear. I have definitely learnt new skills and bonded with my baby. Just not in the way I thought I would. But, if we start at the moment of Peanut’s conception, then I am in fact nearing the end of my first year of Motherhood and it has been tough. I was right all along.   

The post also said “Your baby will always be your child. It doesn’t matter if you were barely pregnant, or you raised him/her for months. This is your child. You are a mother. It is OK and right to include your baby in your family. Talk about your baby with your partner, children, family. Find a way to celebrate his/her birthday. A miscarriage or still birth is still a birthday.

I never thought of the miscarriage as Peanut’s birthday. But I guess it is technically true. On that day, Peanut was released from my body – it was the day of his birth. I had always thought of my due date as his real birthday but it can’t be because he will never be “born” in the way I thought he would be. I’ve spent the last 7 months dreading my due date – 23rd May as it was meant to be his day. In actual fact, he probably would have been born two weeks before this date anyway. But the point is, I’ve already survived his birthday so I can release the attachment and anxiety I’ve been feeling about the 23rd May.

I know I am working myself up about it as the date draws closer. So much so I had to go to the doctors today to check about the headaches I’ve been getting – most likely caused by stress. In the waiting room was the woman who took my blood when I got the positive pregnancy test. I noted the coincidence and smiled to myself.

But when I take some deep breaths, quieten my skipping heart and just sit in silence, I can feel this presence around me. For the last week or so I’ve been having various sensations of being hugged, kissed on the cheek and someone pushing my mouth up with their fingers to create a smile. I’ve also been hearing this voice that constantly repeats “It will be alright.” I don’t know what “alright” means, but I choose to trust it.

I whole heartedly believe that my angels are responsible for this. I don’t know which one it is, or whether it’s Peanut or not, but I choose to believe they’re working together to bring me the peace I need right now. I know Peanut is involved in some way, and I hazard a guess he was the one that tried to push my mouth into a smile because I do that to people all the time! Out of all of my angels, he’s the only one that would have known the significance of that gesture. I’m glad I have this cheeky monkey looking out for me and I cannot wait until I feel him again!   

Image by Daniel St.Pierre
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