Tuesday, 28 May 2013

First meltdown complete

Today is a day of milestones – I am 5 weeks 1 day, Sticky is the size of an appleseed, my blood levels have doubled and I’ve had my first pregnancy meltdown. Not too bad for a days effort given it’s only 1pm!

I had my blood test this morning and had to watch the minutes tick down until I was meant to call for the results. At 11am I went to the bathroom and noticed my discharge was back. I was  dreading this moment. I had hoped I wouldn’t have to deal with it at all but knew it would happen at some stage – just not this early!

I tried to remain calm, telling myself that I’ve had the discharge for the past 6 months without being pregnant. Unfortunately the link between the discharge and the miscarriage was just too strong. I called the specialist and asked if they had the blood test results yet. I was put on hold and after what seemed like forever, I was put through to the doctor. My HCG had gone from 1486 to 2900 in 48 hours – exactly what it was meant to do. He’s happy – no problems – all is good!

I told him about the discharge and he said there really isn’t anything I can do about it. He’s suggested taking pessaries and I’ll talk to him about that when I see him this afternoon. Other than that, he’s happy and wants to see me in 2 weeks for my first scan.

I got off the phone and called my Mum. As soon as she answered I burst into tears. It was just a release of the pent up emotional energy I’d been storing through the whole ordeal. I babbled and cried and tried to spit out words. She told me I needed to relax and of course I do, but it doesn’t mean you can. I realise it’s all about managing my fear and I better learn how to do it now because God knows I’ll need to know how to do it by the time I give birth and Sticky is in the world!

So, first meltdown complete. I feel emotionally drained and exhausted now. I wish I could just have a good lie down. Sadly, I realise I’m going to have to deal with this every day for the next 8 months. I need to be brave and suck it up for Sticky’s and my own sake.

On the bright side though, I was happy returning to work this morning. Sticky is due in late January so it means I will finish work at the end of this year. I promised my husband I wouldn’t get too far ahead of myself until 12 weeks but I’m allowing myself this one little indulgence. I can cope with it, and even walk into the office with a spring in my step, because I know come Friday 20th December, I won’t be back for a whole year! Now that thought makes me relax!

Image by digitalart
Courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

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