Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Wants versus needs

This morning I was on my bike ride, totally off with the fairies, admiring the sunrise. All of sudden my subconscious let me in on a little secret – I’m exactly where I need to be.

The thought just suddenly popped into my head from no where. It made me think of the Rolling Stones song “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.” I didn’t want to be here – I wanted to be holding my baby. I struggle with the concept of “needing” to be here but I understand that life teaches us our greatest lessons.

I realised that no state of being is perfect. Every aspect of our lives presents us with challenges and all we can do is manage them the best way we can. The Fiona in my alternate universe, who will have her baby next week, will still have challenges. She’ll be trying to figure out how to cope with a new born and learning to adapt to no sleep. In this universe, I’ll face the challenge of just getting through the week. Maybe the greatest lesson is understanding life’s not perfect – get over it!

The battle between wants and needs is a constant one. I remember my Mother first teaching me the difference when I would ask for a chocolate biscuit. She was trying to get me to loose weight so would say “Do you need the biscuit or do you just want it?” Of course I didn’t need it, I just wanted it so took it! If we don’t get what we want, we’re prone to throwing tantrums and sulking, but it doesn’t get us our hearts’ desires.

It takes a while to process the fact you didn’t get what you want. As they say, hindsight is a beautiful thing, and I can now understand that my experience did bring me what I needed. At the time of the miscarriage, I just didn’t know I needed it. I didn’t know I needed to learn compassion and empathy. I didn’t know my husband and I needed to learn coping and communication skills. I didn’t know we needed to learn how to overcome challenges. I didn’t know I needed to let go of demons I had held on to for so many years. I didn’t know I needed to feel ready to be a Mother. Now, I know all of these things.

The realisation that I am where I need to be brings me peace. While it’s still not my situation of choice, I can at least release any of the resentment or resistance I feel about where I am. I accept that there is no such thing as a permanent state. Every moment, situation and challenge we face is temporary. It’s futile to struggle against a situation that you cannot change and you have no control over. So I choose not to struggle. Instead, I choose to wait until I’m relocated to the next situation I’m meant to be in and continue to hope that situation is pregnant!  

Image by David Castillo Dominici
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