Back with a bang!

I'm back from my grand adventure. It's lovely to be home and blogging again! I had a great time and I could regale you with tales of the amazing scenery, wildlife and food I indulged in but I'm pretty sure you're not going to be interested in that. Especially when I tell you I got positive pregnancy test the day before we left, and it was confirmed by yesterday’s blood test - I officially have a baby on board!

When I had the miscarriage, a few people said to me "Don't worry, it'll happen when you least expect it." I thought they were so full of crap at the time. When you're trying to conceive, you expect it every month. But last month was the first time in nearly a year of trying I didn't expect it. I had given up hope it would happen without assistance, despite my resolve to make a new plan of attack. So I was well and truly shocked when I got the positive pregnancy test the day before we left. It meant our holiday wasn’t what I expected but I was totally fine with that! Here is how it all unfolded.

Friday 17^th May

On the way home from work, my husband said he wanted to have a wine to christen our new patio. I had my suspicions I was pregnant so did a test. It came up with the faintest of a second line. I showed my husband to see if I was making it up but he saw it too. It was too close to call so I passed on the wine and decided to test the next day.

Saturday 18^th May

The second line came up and while it wasn't as dark as the control line, it was definitely there. I got back into bed, told my husband and burst into tears. It was just as much a shock as the first time had been.

I told my parents who were excited but naturally reserved. My Dad even told me not to post it on Facebook! I understood their apprehension but to me it was futile. We were apprehensive last time but it didn’t matter when we lost Peanut. We were distraught, whether we liked it or not. You're automatically connected as soon as you see the two lines on the test.

I realised I was the cliche woman who had lost a baby only to find out they’re pregnant again when the baby would have been due. So, I don’t know if it was the last go at the homeopathic program, the 3^rd round of clomid, the different lubricant, having sex at a different time, just dumb luck, a mix of the above or none of the above? Who knows, and who cares!

Sunday 19^th May

As we sat at the airport waiting to leave, I got cramps that felt like I was getting my period. I was concerned about having a chemical pregnancy so was petrified everytime I went to the bathroom. But, everytime I felt scared something would go wrong, I heard Peanut's voice in my head saying "Mum, don't worry. Everything is going to be ok." I started checking in every few minutes asking Peanut "Are we still ok?" He kept replying yes until he got narky and said "Mum, you're being silly. Just shut up and be ok or I'm leaving." In that moment I realised I already felt different to when I was pregnant with Peanut. I am at peace and on the whole, feel confident that everything will be ok. I feel connected to this baby.

Monday 20^th May

My husband is feeling nervous and worried. I told him that we were going to have this baby and from now until the day we die, we will never be out of the woods. We will feel better when we see a heart beat. We will feel better when we reach half way. We will feel better when the baby is in our arms. But from the minute it enters the world, we will worry about it and pray nothing happens to it.

In the meantime, everytime I got concerned about a chemical pregnancy or an ectopic pregnancy,or I felt a twinge or cramp,  I repeated to myself I will have a healthy baby. I repeated it over and over again. And I kept checking in with Peanut who kept telling me everything was ok.

Tuesday 21^st May

I had my first panic attack. Suddenly the voice in my head that I thought was Peanut was telling me the pregnancy would not end well. I was suddenly frozen and devastated. I didn't know what to do to get myself out of it. I could only breathe.

We were on a tour and one of the women asked if we had kids and we said no. She then noticed I hadn't eaten any of the cold meat I had been given for lunch and asked me if they got my lunch order wrong like they got her husband’s wrong. I told her I found out I was pregnant just before I left so couldn't eat it. Suddenly everyone at the table as oohing and aching and congratulating me. These were total strangers going nuts with excitement. I didn't know how to take it. It felt good but wrong to feel excited.

Later in the day, Peanut’s voice came back to me saying "Mum, you let your fear take over. You need to breathe and trust it will be ok." Such a wise boy my Peanut. I'm making an appointment to see the counsellor when I get back.

Wednesday 22^nd May

I realised how hard I've had to fight for this pregnancy. From the outset, I've done everything possible to conceive this baby. And, I was prepared to go further and do more. I was prepared to put my body and mind on the line to conceive a baby. As a result, I've worked too hard to have this baby taken away from me. I will fight tooth and nail to keep it.

Thursday 23^rd May

Today is Peanut’s due date so we called it Peanut Day. I woke up feeling exhausted after a bad night sleep. My brain was in overdrive as I tried to reconcile the position I found myself in - pregnant on the day my first baby was due. We had a day of driving ahead of us and I sat silently in the car, just processing things. We came across a large peanut statue holding a sign saying Peanuts Place. We both laughed. I took it as a sign from my cheeky boy that he was with us today.

We got to our cabin and I decided to have some wine to celebrate Peanut Day. After dinner, I had a spa and freaked out I shouldn't be over heating my body. I felt guilty and suddenly the negativity was back. Fear had overtaken me again. I told my husband and he asked what he could do. We're going to have to work on some strategies for him to help me deal with this.

Friday 24^th May

I took my 3^rd pregnancy test for the week. I was still nervous of a chemical pregnancy and kept praying I would make it through. I just had to get to Sunday when I could have the blood test. I prayed the numbers would be so high I wouldn’t have to get another test a few days later. I think that might tip me over the edge. Later in the day I got stabbing pains in my breasts. While it hurt, I was grateful. It meant things were happening as they were supposed to.

Saturday 24^th May

On the way home in the plane, I kept thinking about getting the blood test. I thought about calling my parents and confirming it with them, and calling my best friend to tell her the news. Tears welled and spilled over. Here I was, sitting on a plane, with my sunglasses on to hide the fact I was crying. I think the week away had been a good buffer to the significance of what was happening and I felt like I was flying home to face this brave new world.

I got home and took a digital pregnancy test. It showed 2-3 weeks since conception. My husband and I smiled. I was 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The same time I ended up in hospital with Peanut. It was a significant achievement. It was the first sign this pregnancy was travelling differently which meant it could have a different outcome. A better outcome.

Sunday 25^th May

Finally, I can get the blood test. We get up at 7:15am to get to the testing centre in time. I had decided I was too impatient to wait another day. I walked in, was jabbed, and the waiting began.

After the test, my husband and I went to do the groceries. I started feeling queasy walking through the meat aisle and was suddenly hit with a massive wave of nausea. I ran straight to the dried fruit area and grabbed a pack of ginger. My husband came running after me and tried to open the packet, eventually ripping it open with his teeth! I quickly chewed two pieces down. It was the first time I had experienced nausea so severe. It was much worse than any I had with Peanut and was another good sign that things were progressing differently.

The doctor called me a little before 7pm. It was the longest day of my life. He said "Well, that level is a beauty." My HCG was 1486. I told him I was 5 weeks but he still wants me to come in for another test on Tuesday and then a scan at the end of next week. The seeds of doubt crept back in. I made the mistake of googling HCG levels and there is such a huge range there is no way to know where I should be. All that matters is come Tuesday, my levels have increased. As a fabulous friend said to me, "Just think of Tuesday as another opportunity to confirm you are a Mother." That's what I'll be telling myself until then!

So, strap in dear friends. We're officially on the ride once more! Oh, and in a stand of positivity, I'm calling this one Sticky - because I know this one is going to stick!