Monday, 6 May 2013

Dream the impossible dream

Sorry I didn’t get a chance to post over the weekend. It was one of those crazy ones that got away from me. It started with me meeting the future Spiderman, and ended with an emergency dash to the vet!

So, from the start, I was in a shop waiting to speak to the owner about selling my handbags. I was just walking around waiting for her as she served people when a little boy started talking to me. The conversation went as follows.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Fiona. What’s your name?”

“I’m Oliver. My Mummy is called Fiona and my Daddy is called Craig.”

“Oh, my Daddy is called Craig too.”

“Well, when I’m 20, I’m going to be Spiderman. I can already spin a web.”

“Can you? Wow, that’s really cool. Is your brother going to be Spiderman too?”

“Yep, we’re both going to be Spiderman.”

“Are you going to take it in turns?”

“No, you can’t take it in turns being Spiderman. You just have to be Spiderman.”

I lit up inside. Here was this little fellow who had a dream – he wanted to be Spiderman. He was going to put everything he had of himself to “just be” Spiderman. Now, some would think this was an impossible dream but it depends on how you perceive it. Will this boy grow up to be someone who wears a red suit, crawls up buildings and throws spun webs on people? – probably not. Will he grow up to be someone who helps others, stands up for the weak and rights wrongs? Well, that’s very possible. So who is anyone to tell him that his dream is impossible? I learnt some great lessons from Oliver – do what makes you happy, dream big, figure out what you need to do to achieve it and don’t let anyone tell you you can’t!

After meeting Oliver, I went to the counsellor. I had been feeling anxious for a while but could figure out why. It turns out I had a few things swirling around my head. I am still fearful of the possibility I won’t fall pregnant. I am so impatient I get frustrated when the specialist doesn’t tell me what In want to hear, but feel anxious about the thought of telling him I’m frustrated he’s not listening to me. I need to be more assertive and impress upon him how important it is he starts to take the ongoing cramps seriously. While they have definitely reduced in severity, they are still hanging around, and something needs to be done.

The most powerful outcome of my session was realising I am finally ready to be pregnant again. I thought I wasn’t, but I was wrong. I am at the stage where I am ready to let everything go and just be happy. I’m ready to smile and move on with life. I’m ready to let Peanut go and move forward without forgetting him. I still need to deal with the anxiety and fear, so the counsellor suggested I treat my mind like I’m a DJ – I choose the song that plays. So I decided to take her literally and every time I feel like I’m starting to get anxious, I’m going to sing Let it be by the Beattles. I’m thinking it’s a good choice to remind me to “let it be.”

After the counsellor, my friend came around with her 9 week old and 18 month old. Her eldest daughter has suddenly taken a shine to me and is now following me around like a shadow. It’s quite cute to have this little person chasing after you, wondering what you’re doing and where you are. It made me laugh. I also did very well holding her youngest daughter. She had been in hospital the previous week which sounded so scary, but she was now back to full health and was looking around and smiling. I didn’t feel any pangs of sadness holding her. But I did feel a slight pang watching my husband hold her. He was so nervous and scared she would break and my heart let out a little cry. I hope I can give him the opportunity to hold his own child.

On Sunday morning we went to see a friend I went to school with. She’s pregnant with her 2nd child through IVF. Her first child took 5 rounds and this one took 2. I had no idea of the indepth process of IVF. I had no idea you had to have a general anaesthetic to get your eggs harvested. I just thought they stuck something inside you and sucked them out. Clearly not!
She was a wealth of information and I really appreciated her sharing her experience with me. And her husband was really great sharing his experience of it too. I felt like it was the first time my husband had heard another man’s point of view of the infertility process, how important it was to support your partner and the anguish you feel. I came away feeling overwhelmed but more informed.

I spent the rest of the afternoon just letting all of that sink in. It was a lot to take in and made me start to wonder if we’re on the right track. My friend was told there was 0% chance she would fall pregnant naturally so she went straight to IVF. I don’t have that problem so it seems enormously impatient to jump straight to it given my circumstances.

This morning, I caught up with another friend who was sharing her infertility journey with me. She had IVF and after 2 miscarriages, an ectopic pregnancy and severe endometriosis, ended up falling pregnant naturally. Just when you think all hope is gone, your body surprises you! I told her about my own journey and she reassured me that given her experience, if she was in my shoes, she would be doing the same thing. I really appreciated the reassurance.

So, onwards we go. I am spurred on by Spiderman and the reminder to never let go of your dream. In the end, we are the only ones who can stop ourselves from doing anything so I will believe just as hard as Oliver does!

Oh, and the vet trip was to rush my cat off after he couldn’t walk. He had 5 puncture wounds and after a morphine shot and antibiotics, I had a $200 bill and a stoned cat. But, I’m very glad he is ok! He’s my baby in lieu of a baby!

Image by Stuart Miles
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