Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Buffing my limousine

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the current state of my life. Overall, it’s pretty good. But there are times I get down in the dumps. I feel sad, bitter and angry and sometimes that can hang around for a while. But then, I’m reminded of how good I’ve got it so I shut up, buck up and thank my lucky stars I have everything I do.

On Sunday, I caught up with a friend from school and we were talking about another friend we hadn’t seen for a long time. She has chronic fatigue syndrome and has been very ill for 6 years now. Yesterday, I got an email from another friend who also gave me an update on how she was going. I hope she knows how much we all love her and have not forgotten her.
I remember the last time I saw her. It was my uni graduation party and she looked stunning, as she always did, in a beautiful red dress. I have a photo of the two of us that night and I look at it often.

I’ve had friendships that have gone by the wayside for whatever reason, but to have a friend taken away by such horrible circumstances really breaks my heart. We use to have so much fun her and I. We had gone our separate ways after high school but reconnected at our 10 year reunion. I would have gone to my 20 year reunion if she had been with me but she wasn’t, so I stayed at home. There was no other reason to go.

The friend I caught up with also experienced chronic fatigue and was sick for several years. She’s been very helpful in providing me with some understanding of the disease. At times, I think of my friend and wonder if she’s sad she has missed out on so much. I guess it would be impossible not to. But I’m told you don’t think like that when you’re so sick. All you think about is the pain you’re in and your only dream is for the pain to go away. I shudder to think of her in that state.

She doesn’t want people to come and visit her and I can understand why. Any scrap of energy she has should be put into her healing, not wasted on trying to make conversation. She was always such a vibrant and vivacious person that I could also imagine it would be difficult for her to let others see her in any way but that. As much as I would love to see her, I’m ok with not being able to. My memories of her are twirling around the dance floor with her long blonde hair flowing around her and us laughing until our sides hurt. That’s the memory I will have of her until I see her again.

So yes, I had a miscarriage and yes, it was horrible. Yes, my baby would have been born sometime next week and yes, that will be a sad week. But, I can either choose to go boo hoo poor me or I can say that was a suckful thing but I’m lucky to have everything I have. I have my husband, my house, my cat, my family, my friends, my job and most importantly, my health. She would probably sell her soul just to have her health so what am I complaining about?

I do believe the universe bought up these two conversations about my treasured friend right when I needed to hear them. Currently, I could fall into an abyss if I let myself. I could easily shatter into a million pieces but I choose not to. She needs to be determined to beat this disease so I’m going to be determined too. Despite being as sick as she is, as always, she’s my tower of strength. By talking about her, and remembering her, I have realised that I’m not just living my life for me, I’m living it for her. Right now, she doesn’t get to, so I’ll need to do it for her.

I’m making a little spot in my heart to put her in and carry around with me. And if this is the first time she’s ventured out in 6 years, it sure as hell isn’t going to be in a vehicle that’s dented with sadness and self pity. It’s going to be in a pristine limousine filled with champagne bubbles and pink helium balloons – because that’s our style. Welcome aboard my love! 

Image by David Castillo Dominici
Courtesy of www.freedigitalimages.net

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