Thursday, 30 May 2013

I have a mustard seed in my ear!

Last night as I was going to sleep, I had a fear attack and got angry. I remembered one of the pregnant girls at work telling me her and her partner took every precaution possible and she still fell pregnant. She figured her baby was just meant to be. I thought why isn’t my baby just meant to be? I suddenly bolted up right in bed, struck with this overwhelming sense that this baby is meant to be. Holy crap! I just might end up having a baby!

I am struggling coming to terms with how different I feel in this pregnancy compared to my last. I know everyone says no two pregnancies are alike but that’s easy for people to say when their 2 pregnancies have resulted in healthy babies. I am shocked that my pregnancies seem to be total polar opposites.

Last time, my cramping was so bad I ended up in hospital. This time it’s more like slight twinges and very bearable. Last time, my nausea was quite bad. This time it’s mild but there’s still time for it to kick in. Last time I had bad bloating. This time, my stomach is its normal size but again, there’s still time for that. Last time I knew Peanut was not meant to be. This time I know Sticky is meant to be, but I’m having a hard time letting myself believe that.

Hope is a dangerous thing. It can get you into so much trouble, but where would we be without it? Life would be pretty bleak and meaningless so I guess it’s really about being brave enough to let yourself hope. It’s being brave enough to manage your fear, dealing with it, living with it and getting through it. I guess I can do that. I know whatever happens, it won’t kill me.

I felt this sense strengthen at my acupuncture session this morning. I told her I was pregnant so it meant a different approach. As I laid on the bed, I wondered why she was putting 5 needles in my head. Apparently it’s a lifting move, designed to lift and hold the embryo in place. I suddenly had this image of little mignons digging down into my uterus, finding Sticky, strapping some pulleys on and pulling on them. In my mind, Sticky was slowly being lifted like water being lifted from a well. I repeated to myself “Lift Sticky lift!”

I also had needles in my ears, both wrists and left ankle. I was definitely feeling like a porcupine. But, it’s funny how it sends you into a trance. I entered a state of deep relaxation and for 10 minutes, I rested in a peaceful place where it was just me and my baby living in perfect harmony. I had a vision of me, with a fat belly, trying to get off the floor. I think I was doing yoga so I took that as a good sign.

At the end of the session, she told me she was placing a mustard seed inside my ear and I could rub it whenever I felt anxious. She said they used it a lot for women after IVF implantations. I thought it was weird until a friend reminded me that the Bible says "Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

I’m not sure I’m convinced of its powers, but I’ve rubbed it a few times and today is the calmest and relaxed I’ve been since finding out I was pregnant. Luckily my session next week is the day before my scan. I said “That’s good timing because no doubt I’ll be beside myself with anxiety.” She said “That’s ok, we can cover you in mustard seeds if need be.” I laughed at the thought but I’m not discounting it. If nothing is impossible, that means everything is possible so lather me with seeds I say! 

Image by thanunkorn
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