Monday, 12 August 2013

16 weeks pregnant - baby steps

16 weeks today. Officially 4 months. Even though they are exactly the same, 4 months sounds better to me.  I guess thinking 4 months out of 9 seems more bearable then 16 weeks out of 40! 

To be honest, given I’m starting my 16th week with a cold, I’m not really caring too much about the milestone. What’s frustrating is I was so close to getting through winter without so much as a sniffle but it’s hit me. A trip to the chemist was futile – Sorry, you can’t have cough medicine, or that decongestant nose spray. Have a saline spray and lozenges instead. My fertility specialist said nose spray was fine but given I said I was pregnant, the chemist wasn’t handing anything over. So I bought myself a packet of jelly beans to cushion the blow.

I don’t know if it’s the cold, or the weekend’s activities, but I’m feeling exhausted today. It all started on Friday night when I was watching tv. I was lying on the couch and noticed I was having some pains in my right side. I thought it was just more of the same round ligament pain I’ve been having for weeks now. I moved from lying to sitting hoping it would relieve the pain but it didn’t. I suddenly became quite scared at the fact the pain wasn’t subsiding so I decided to go to bed hoping that lying down on my back would make it stop. I laid down and burst into tears.

I felt this sudden and overwhelming wave of grief and pain for Baby B. I think it was probably triggered by the sense of fear I felt over the pain. I cried and cried, thinking of holding Sticky and not having Baby B there with her.  Ever since loosing Baby B, I’ve known that Sticky’s birth would be a moment of both immense joy and pain. I’ve been wondering how I will cope only holding one baby when there use to be two.

My husband came into the bedroom and asked if I was ok. Through my tears, I asked him to get the heat pack for me. I told him I was having bad pains and feeling scared so off he went, sculling his drink so he could come to bed with the heat pack in tow. Such a good boy my husband! The heat helped and I eventually feel asleep.

I felt a bit better on Saturday but the glow had gone, replaced by my old friend anxiety. I thought I was going well coping with the extension of 2 weekly check ups to 4 weekly ones, but I was wrong. It’s hard when these moments happen, because I use to be able to console myself with the thought I only had to wait one week until my next check up. On Saturday, the thought I had to wait 2.5 weeks was not so comforting.

I was buoyed by finding out a friend is 18 weeks pregnant. I’ve had a lot of people tell me how thankful they are to read about my progression as they are a few weeks behind me. I know how they feel because I was grateful to talk to her. There we were at dinner, two pregnant ladies swapping nausea remedies and clothes tips. When she said she was going for her 20 week scan in just over a week I was so jealous. 

I don’t know this friend particularly well so I didn’t pry into her pregnancy journey. I’m not sure if she knows about my miscarriage and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know about me loosing Baby B. Funnily enough these stories are not the ones you tell women who are revelling in the joy of pregnancy. But it did make me think how different our experiences must be.

On Sunday, I still felt anxious and started googling Dopplers. I have been trying not to let the anxiety get the better of me but I figured for these more intense moments, having a Doppler would provide instant relief. But, as I read the reviews and comments, I realised it wasn’t a good idea. Lots of women said they were great but a lot also said how freaked out they got when they couldn’t find the heartbeat. When I really thought about, I thought the moments of anxiety I have now would be nothing compared to the cliff I could jump off if I tried to find the heartbeat and couldn’t.

In my rational moments, I remind myself that I am simply in the phase of transitioning from 2 to 4 weekly check ups. That’s all it is. It’s just another change management process. I can pat myself on the back for surviving the 10 days since my last check up and remind myself it’s only 17 days until my next one. And it’s only 23 days until the next scan and only 28 days until I’m half way. It's all about the baby steps! 

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