Reality sets in

I have come to the conclusion that there is no sound on Earth more beautiful than the sound of your baby’s heartbeat. It’s a nothing sound really – just a thumpity thumpity thump. But to me, it’s a Beethoven symphony.

It’s amazing how hearing that sound can bring instantaneous relief. It took Dr T. all of 10 seconds to find the heartbeat, but those 10 seconds felt like a million years to me. I can’t help but feel nervous until I hear it. I realised a part of me always prepares for the worse before each appointment. I even refrained from going to the bathroom when I got there in case they needed to do a scan! I needn’t have worried, Sticky’s heart is remaining strong at 150 beats per minute.

I spoke to Dr T. about my ongoing back problems. My chiropractor wanted me to check with him where in my spine the epidural would be given as if it was too low, it could cause greater damage to my back and cut off the feelings in my legs. Clearly this would not be a good thing. She’ll be glad to know they will do it higher so my legs should be saved!

There is also ongoing concern about the likelihood of my back being able to cope with the pregnancy. Dr T. and the chiro were originally hopeful that my back would settle down as I got bigger and there was more of me to support. Given my back is progressively getting worse, they are loosing hope this will be the case. It’s still possible, but I’ve been told to prepare myself.

The worse case scenario is I reach the point where I can no longer walk and have to be put on bed rest. Even worse than that, is the possibility of being put on bed rest in hospital. Thankfully, Dr T. said so long as I can be made comfortable at home, I won’t have to be in hospital. I pray that’s the case -  I would hate to be stuck in hospital for any longer than I had to be.

I asked Dr T. if my back would cause us to have the caesarean earlier and I received  a firm no. Actually, it was more of a hell no! Basically, the earliest we could deliver is 38 weeks. Anything earlier poses too much of a risk to the baby and none of us are prepared to that. Basically, it’s a case of suck it up Fiona – or bag of cement as our pregnancy motto has been.

So, all in all, Dr T. wants me to give thought to when I want to finish up work. At the moment I was going for the 13^th December at which case I would be 33 weeks. I’m still aiming for this date but I also need to be prepared it may need to be earlier. He’s told me I need to start taking it easier so limiting how much I walk. That’s easy enough to manage given there’s a free bus I can take.

After mulling all of this about, I realised I have all these expectations and beliefs on how much I should be able to do, and how long I can do it for. This is all based on seeing other pregnant women work through their pregnancies. I feel like I’d be some kind of wimp if I didn’t last til at least 33 weeks, but I also need to remind myself that none of the other women I’ve seen have dealt with my physical problems in their pregnancy.

I have to stop comparing my pregnancy to others because mine is unique. I need to let go of the thought I’ll still be doing walks around the block at 38 weeks. I need to let go of the thought I’ll still be lugging the grocery bags in at 25 weeks. Basically, from this moment on, this pregnancy is a day by day proposition. Now, it’s all about Sticky and I and what’s in our best interest. The rest of my life is going to be about that so I’d better get use to it now!