Wednesday, 28 August 2013

A conception-aversary

A year ago today I conceived Peanut. That one moment in time was the catalyst that set my life on a whole new trajectory that has led me here. Where a year later, I get to hear the sound of the life growing inside me.

When I think back over the past 12 months, it’s been a year of highs and lows. Without a doubt, it is the most significant period of personal grief, loss and growth I have ever experienced. It is also the longest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on, and that ride still continues.

I still remember writing the blog post when I announced I was pregnant with Peanut. It was so unexpected and I remained in shock for quite sometime. But the whole time I also knew something wasn’t right. Mother’s intuition perhaps but I just never felt connected to the pregnancy so I wasn’t that shocked when I lost Peanut. I was devastated, but not shocked.

It’s amazing to think that out of the past 52 weeks, I’ve spent 25 of them pregnant. The two pregnancies have been so different, for reasons other than the fact this one continues. But, it hasn’t been easy. Again, this pregnancy bought me the loss of Sticky’s twin. That was a whole different experience to losing Peanut because I grieved the loss of Baby B while at the same time trying to remain happy Sticky was doing ok. It was another big twist on the roller coaster ride.

I don’t regret falling pregnant with Peanut. And I don’t regret loosing him. I am philosophical about it all now, and while I would have loved to have met him, and watched him grow, I know his place is watching over me and Sticky. I am much stronger because I know he is sitting on my shoulder. And I have the strength to continue to believe that Sticky will make it because he also sits on her shoulder.

It took 6 months until I felt Peanut around me and he spoke to me for the first time. Maybe I needed that long to be able to let myself feel and hear him. The photo was where I was at that moment. It sums it up perfectly because he was my little ray of sunshine pushing his way through the stormy clouds that surrounded me at the time.  

Thank you my little man for coming into my life. And thank you for knowing the exact moments I need you most. I will love and treasure you always. 

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