Needing a jump start

My battery is flat. I woke up this morning unable to stand, walk, talk or think. I’m exhausted – pure and simple. I understand the pattern of days like this – I get hit with one every few weeks. It just means that the energy I’ve had to spend to get through life over the past few weeks has been spent. It’s time for a jump start so I can face the world again.

Trying to come out fighting

After another day of my body threatening the start of a new cycle, I succumbed and did a pregnancy test. It was negative so I wasn’t surprised – more just annoyed. If I’m not pregnant, then at least bring on my cycle so we can move on. I hate this in between place where nothing is happening! 

To clomid or not to clomid? That is the question

Last night my body gave me all the signs my period was approaching. I decided it was time to have the clomid chat with my husband, expecting it to be a few days before I had to start it, if we started it. I wanted this to be a decision we made together so when we got into bed I asked the question – do we clomid or not?

Nearing the end of the two week wait!

I started trying to have a baby in May 2012. I’m now nearing the end of my 7^th 2 week wait.  Overall, it’s gone by quickly and without incident. To be honest, I haven’t really thought it about too much at all. Maybe that’s because I no longer have any expectations that I’ll actually end up pregnant!

Back to counselling I go!

I had my first visit with a new  counsellor yesterday. I was excited to see someone new and while I really liked her, she sent me away with homework to do!

Looking at the world through Mummy-coloured glasses

Right now, I’d like to throttle every Mother I know who is currently treating their daughters (my besties) like crap. I’d like to slap every Mother who complains on Facebook about teething, crying and sleepless nights. I’d like to yell at the woman at the next desk who just said “All of my pregnancies were unplanned.”  I’d like to shake them all and say wake up to yourself people – do you not know how lucky you are?

Somewhere over the rainbow baby

Those of us who have lost a baby refer to our next baby as a “rainbow baby” - the beauty that comes after a storm.  As I walked home yesterday, this was the double rainbow that arched over our house. I thought the timing was perfect given I was off to meet the fertility specialist the next day!

You get one rainbow when light reflects once off the back of a raindrop. You get two rainbows when light reflects twice in a more complicated pattern. Interestingly though, the colours of the second rainbow are inverted, with blue on the outside and red on the inside – basically one is a mirror reflection of the other. I wondered if it was a sign I had twins coming my way!

As it turned out, the possibility of twins isn’t as far fetched as it may sound. When I first started this journey, I found out that the chances of twins increases over 35. My chances could increase even further as the doctor has suggested taking clomid as my first option. Clomid stimulates ovulation, meaning more than 1 egg can be released, meaning an increase in the possibility of multiple births. God help me, there could even be triplets!

But I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Our general discussion was about the miscarriage and what’s been happening since. He’s not really concerned about my ovarian cyst but wants me to get another scan at the start of my next cycle. He was happy with the results of my ovarian reserve test as it indicates I have a higher that average supply of eggs for my age so I’m not quite ready to be put out to pasture yet! He did tell me though that my eggs were now nearly 38 years old so I guess egg  years are like dog years!

Apparently I’m an easy patient – I’ve already had all the tests he normally sends people for and mine don’t indicate there are any problems. Well, the fact I was pregnant pretty much screams success too.  Again, the dreaded word “common” came up in relation to the miscarriage so yes, I get that  point!

He’s suggested that we try naturally for another few months then go onto clomid. Our next options would then be artificial insemination  then IVF. If I’m not pregnant in a few months, I have to go back to get my tubes checked and my husband has to have his sperm re-tested to make sure his swimmers are still swimming in the right direction!

The most interesting thing to come of out it though was suggesting one of us gets tested for cystic fibrosis. It’s the most common abnormality in babies and can create serious problems. Both of us would need to be carriers to have a baby with CF. However, on the off chance we were both carriers, we would have a 1 in 4 chance of our baby having it. The problem with CF is it isn’t dependent on family history and most adult carriers are perfectly normal and healthy people. So testing is the only way to know if you have it. The real blow is the test costs $250 just for one person to have. Given I’ve had to have so many blood tests, I think it might be my husband’s turn to get it done!

The doctor has given us all the forms we need, including a prescription for clomid. So it’s up to me as to if and when I choose to take it. Given I’m nearing the end of my 2 week wait, we don’t know if we need to make any decisions at this time. I guess we’ll know sometime next week depending if I’m pregnant or not. But, I’m swaying to starting the clomid straight away. After reading all the information, and seeing you need to stick with one treatment for a few cycles, I have a vision of another year passing with no baby appearing.  

The fact of the matter is my eggs are getting older by the day. While they’re not quite geriatric yet, they’re certainly on their way. What if they get dementia and forget what they are or where they’re meant to go?  Nope – I think the time for patience has past and it’s time to get this rainbow baby here quick smart. 

As the song says, “Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.” Having a baby is my dream. I dare to dream it. Now I need to make it happen !

PS – I apologise if I’ve put the tune to “Somewhere over the rainbow” in your head now. But I think it’s a good thing – hopefully it will remind you to have the power to dare to dream and to chase those dreams!

Learning to Moonwalk

I woke up this morning to see the first signs of Kate Middleton’s baby bump plastered all over the news. I then checked out news.com.au to see a woman in Texas gave birth to two sets of twins at the same time! And then, as I scrolled down the web page, I was presented with links to calculate my due date, an ovulation calculator and  a pregnancy weight gain calculator. My morning was baby bombardment overload!

Surviving a tsunami

I had to go to a non-baby related specialist appointment today. That in itself was no biggy. The fact the appointment was in the hospital I first found out I had lost my baby – well, that was a biggy!

Weeding in the garden of friends

At times, I think of all the close friends I have, how they came into my life, the value of their friendships and the roads our relationships have taken. Prior to my miscarriage, I thought my close friends would now be keepers - I was wrong. It’s funny how significant events in your life impact your relationships and make you realise that the ones you thought would be the first in line to support you are no where to be seen.

There's nothing common about common

The one thing I'm really over hearing at the moment is "it's really common." Miscarriages are really common. Having a low egg reserve at my age is really common. Having ovarian cysts are really common. Funnily enough, knowing that millions of other women have suffered or are suffering the same afflictions I am does not make it better. I don't care about these millions of other women. I don't care about what’s common. I only care about what’s happening to me.

Introducing my new ovarian cyst!

Yes, that’s right folks. It’s not like having a miscarriage, severe cramping and continuous blood tests was bad enough. Now, I have a corpus luteum ovarian cyst to keep my troubles company. Welcome to the family cysty – make yourself at home!

Lucky stars

I read today that Steve Martin has become a father for the first time at 67 – his wife is 41. As I have my moments of internal panic that we’re running out of time, stories like this remind me to calm  down because my fertility hour glass still has a little sand left!

Willing immaculate conception

And so another baby making window has passed and I’m left feeling spent and exhausted. It’s not just the energy the actual act takes, but the emotional release of the pressure valve that builds over those few days. There is a magical 4 day window once a month to try and conceive. There are times when you just can’t find the strength to do it, or other events happen in life that stop you. When this happens, it feels like the only way a baby will arrive is through immaculate conception!

Fertility program update

Four weeks ago, I started popping pills as part of the homeopathic fertility program I decided to try. If you recall, I had pills to cover a wide range of issues and I’m pleased to say I’m already seeing results!

The egg reserve tests are in!

I finally got the blood test results back for my egg reserve test – no surprises, my supply is drying up! Clearly, it’s time to ramp up this baby business!

Pregnancy and addiction - its a dangerous mix

News flash – the Queensland Police Union wants to introduce tougher laws for mothers who expose their unborn babies to potential health risks such as alcohol and drugs. Every unborn baby should have the right to be born free of the potential life threatening diseases and ailments that can result from their mothers engaging in unhealthy behaviours so watch out Mums – your smoking, drinking, druggy days could soon see you locked up!

Just call me Houdini

My friend posted this picture on Facebook yesterday and it really struck a cord with me. I know she’s going through a difficult time right now and it was her way of letting people know she was struggling. It was quite timely as I was recently asked "How are you really doing?" It made me realise it was the first time, in a long time, I’d been asked that.

Flying through the preg-muda triangle

Over the past 24 hours, I seem to have been sucked into a vortex I’m calling the “preg-muda triangle.”It’s a strange, parallel universe where freaky coincidences happen – and I don’t like it! 

Talking to the angels

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how this whole baby caper has bought out my spiritual side. I’m still undecided about the existence of God and Jesus and other such related identities, but I’m a big believer in spirits, angels and patron saints. I don’t believe I would still be alive unless someone up there was looking over me! Now I find myself talking to these beings on a regular basis.

My husband and I have great debates about my beliefs and the lack of his. He thinks my belief in angels, saints, destiny, fate etc is a load of hogwash. Mind you, this comes from the man who doesn’t really believe in anything, but told me this morning I should get out of bed or I’ll make the baby Jesus cry!

I’ve always felt some kind of presence around me and have regularly prayed to my guardian angels. I have a patron saint for everything – there’s Katherine, the patron saint of finding a carpark, Conias, the patron saint of finding a new house, Russo, the patron saint of finding a new job and the list continues. I started praying to Saint Pampers when I decided I wanted to fall pregnant. When I did fall pregnant, I prayed to my grandfathers and uncle, who have passed away, to watch over Peanut. Now Peanut has gone, I pray to him/her too.  Basically, I have a little group of overseers that I pray to regularly for guidance, and to bring me strength, courage, hope and faith when I need it. It helps me in my weaker moments.

When I had the miscarriage, and started reading support forums, I noticed a lot of women saying they “trusted in God’s plan.” I’m not here to question the existence of God, or anyone’s belief in that, but I did find it a bit jarring reading those comments at the time. Personally, I don’t think miscarrying the baby was anyone’s plan, but I do believe it happened for a reason – so I guess God’s plan is a way of saying the same thing.

I have no doubt that we channel our spirituality as a way to get through the tough days. When you loose a baby, the first thing you do is question what you did wrong, believing it must be your fault. When there is no other credible reason for something so terrible happening, your brain rationalises that you’re to blame – because it has to be someone’s fault! When you process that, and let go of the self-blame, you need some kind of comfort to start accepting it “just happened.” It’s so hard to do that so we turn to our spiritual guides for help.

I’m happy to admit when I sit still and quiet, and calm my mind, I can hear them talking to me. I don’t know who “them” are, but I definitely hear the messages loud and clear – everything will be ok, believe in yourself and your dreams, trust and let go, keep the faith, we are here to love you. An enormous sense of peace washes over me when I hear those voices which allows me to believe what they say.

 Sometimes, they suddenly appear and start screaming at me. Like this morning, I was walking to work, off in my own little world, when I was suddenly jolted back into consciousness by a voice in my head repeating “trust and let go” over and over again. The voice was so forceful, and so loud, it made me stop in my tracks. I just stood still, for a moment, letting that thought wash over me. I repeated it to myself a few times, then continued walking with a new sense of determination.

I have always been in touch with my little posse,  and have come to rely on them so much more since the miscarriage. I’m not sure whether my bond with them has become stronger, or I’m just paying more attention, but I’m certainly hearing from them a lot more. I trust that they choose to speak to me when they think I most need it – and they’re always right! Now, I just hope that somewhere among all those voices, is a tiny little one saying “I’ll see you soon Mum!”  

Image by Just2shutter

Courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

  

The Top 10 songs to get you in the mood

Happy Monday all - welcome to February! I can't believe we're here already. I thought I'd start the week with a bit of frivolity - Spotify recently commissioned a study to find out the most popular songs to get people in the mood. There were some interesting choices!

How do you find an egg donor?

I got an interesting phone call this morning from my friend Jane. She asked if I would help one of her friends write a newspaper ad for an egg donor – apparently she thinks I’m a good writer! Her friend’s story is one that breaks my heart so of course I said yes. So now we start our hunt for eggs!

Just relax - easier said than done!

I’ve woken up in a foul mood this morning – created by a week of really bad sleep and a friend reminding me of my tendency to be a bit over the top sometimes (but that personal weakness is for another post!). When I wake up in such moods, I become very frustrated and it doesn’t take much to set me off. This morning, it was coming into work to hear the parents talking about how they get their young children to sit still for the hairdresser. I just walked away and made a coffee.  But today’s biggest gripe is people continually telling me to “let go,” “chill out” or “relax.” I’m getting close to my breaking point where the next person who says it to me may cop a punch to the head! (And please know I do not condone violence in anyway).