Trying to come out fighting

After another day of my body threatening the start of a new cycle, I succumbed and did a pregnancy test. It was negative so I wasn’t surprised – more just annoyed. If I’m not pregnant, then at least bring on my cycle so we can move on. I hate this in between place where nothing is happening! 

My husband saw the test and said “I thought you said you weren’t going to do a test until you were a week late?” I said “I wasn’t going to except my body is giving me all these weird signals so I have no idea what’s happening.” He said “Well if it was positive you would have worried it was another false positive and now it’s negative you’re going to be stressed out.” Of course he was right but I didn’t need him to tell me that!

Now I’m just annoyed because I want my next cycle to start so we can move onto trying clomid. When you only have 12 goes a year to have a baby, every day counts so I’m sick of feeling like my body is wasting my days. Especially given as my recovery from the miscarriage took away 2 of my chances for the year - I feel jipped!

I had my first check up with the homeopath yesterday who has changed my fertility program to coincide with clomid. That was at least one positive – we’re attacking it from two sides. The remedies should work in perfect harmony with the clomid so here’s hoping that’s the case. Although, because of the irregularity in my cycle length, she now thinks my fertile window is between days 10 to 18! Of course that’s not the case but because we don’t know when I’m ovulating, we have to be prepared. Mind you, the good thing about being on clomid is I’ll have regular blood tests to see when I am ovulating so for the first time in this journey, I will finally know what my body is doing. I just hope it cooperates and actually ovulates!

Today, I’m in one of those moods where I feel life sucks. The walk into work is getting harder and heavier day by day. Not only because I sit here with nothing to do, but because the pregnant women (and we now have 3) are getting bigger and bigger. They’re time for leaving for maternity leave is getting closer and it brings it all home to me. Next week the miscarriage will be 5 months ago. I hate that I even know that.

I have no idea why this baby business has to be so hard. Don’t we all have the right to just get what we want? We’re all contributing members of society. We stand up for old people on the train. We don’t steal our groceries. We don’t torture small animals. We’re kind to our parents. We pay our taxes. We’re all good people god damn it! Why don’t we get what we want?

I’m feeling overwhelmed with the problems of falling pregnant right now. Not just my problems, but the collective problems of those that are nearest and dearest to me. Seriously, who would ever have thought that falling pregnant would be the hardest thing in the world! And, as it turns out, a supposedly natural process that is actually a total minefield.

Until I started trying to fall pregnant, I knew people had miscarriages, stillborns and fertility issues that meant they had to try IVF. Since inviting pregnancy into my world, this knowledge has been expanded to polycystic ovary  syndrome, early menopause, brain tumours that stop you ovulating, ovarian cysts, low ovarian reserves, early ovarian failure, hostile cervixes, chemical pregnancies, fertility drugs, fertility treatments and of course my own experience of miscarriage. That’s more about the process of falling pregnant than I ever wanted to know!

I’d like to think we could live in a world where none of us has to suffer such things. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could walk into the baby shop and just choose the one we want? You wouldn’t be judged on your relationship, your age or your physical issues. You wouldn’t have to feel shame, guilt, depression or a failure. No, in my world, so long as you have the money, you can just buy it!

Yes, I’d love it if there was a Baby Utopia somewhere. Lets not be cynical of the Madonna’s of the world who we perceive do just rock up to poor countries and buy babies – that’s not what I’m talking about. Really, I’m talking about a world where people don’t have to go through so much pain to achieve their dreams. I can’t think of anything else in my life I have had to work so hard for, sacrifice so much for, shed so much blood and tears for and put my body on the line for. But I do – I suck it up every day to come to work to be surrounded by pregnant women. I suck it up everytime I extend my arm to have another needle jabbed into it. I suck it up everytime I wait for a 2 week wait to be over. There is a lot of sucking up to be done. But I guess that’s the power of dreams – when we know one is worth fighting for, we’ll fight for it at all costs!

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