Friday, 1 February 2013

Just relax - easier said than done!

I’ve woken up in a foul mood this morning – created by a week of really bad sleep and a friend reminding me of my tendency to be a bit over the top sometimes (but that personal weakness is for another post!). When I wake up in such moods, I become very frustrated and it doesn’t take much to set me off. This morning, it was coming into work to hear the parents talking about how they get their young children to sit still for the hairdresser. I just walked away and made a coffee.  But today’s biggest gripe is people continually telling me to “let go,” “chill out” or “relax.” I’m getting close to my breaking point where the next person who says it to me may cop a punch to the head! (And please know I do not condone violence in anyway).

I know people mean well when they say it but I don’t know anyone who has ever heard that and gone “Oh, why didn’t I think of that? Yes, that’s a much better idea. Thanks, I’ll be relaxed now.” Funnily enough, it just doesn’t work like that.  In my moments of frustration, my response tends to be “Well thank-you Captain Obvious – don’t you think if I could be like that I would!”But I keep those sentiments to myself.

People get stressed for a variety of reasons, and when you’re at your peak being told to calm down actually intensifies it. I think it’s because you know you need to calm down, and you’re trying to, but being reminded of your inability to reach your desired zen state just infuriates you more.  So note to well-meaning people, I appreciate the love you say it with, but it doesn’t help!

If someone could tell me how you “let go” and “relax” about trying to falling pregnant after you’ve lost a baby, then I’d love to hear it. Believe me, I’m working on it. In fact, I work on it every minute of every waking hour, every day. There are times when my mind is occupied by something else but they are short-lived as random thoughts such as “Oh my god, I had a miscarriage. Who am I now?”  take over. Those thoughts bring the anger back and the calming down process has to start all over again. I can go through that process several times a day.

As I’ve said before, this journey is like being on a roller coaster. At times, I feel like I’m with friends who are egging me to go on it with them. In my strong moments, I choose not to and I stay on solid ground. However, in my weaker  moments, I succumb to the peer group pressure and suddenly find myself on the ride, screaming my head off, wondering how I got there.

I am aware of the things that trigger my un-relaxed state and I’m making inroads on distancing myself from them. Overall, that’s going pretty well, however I can’t distance myself from my mind. It is always there with a variety of thoughts churning around. It takes energy to combat the negative thoughts and, in moments like today when energy stocks are low, it’s easier just to let the negative win. I’m ok with this because I know the energy stocks will be higher tomorrow so I can go into battle then.  I’ve become good at picking my battles!

So trust me, I will take a lot more roller coaster rides before I can “let go,” “chill out” and “relax.” But please know, that is my goal. I am working on it. Reminding me is not necessary but holding my hand through it would be greatly appreciated!   

Image by Ambro
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  1. Couldn't have said it better myself! I've tried explaining this feeling and my feelings on my blog. It's so hard to explain to those who have never been through loss. I'm so glad I found your blog but wish you didn't have to be going through any of this either.

  2. Thanks Robin, I wish none of us had to go through this. Although now I'm glad that I've been able to explain these things in a quiet brain moment so when I have my "flip outs", I can direct people to a few pages here and say "Read that - that's what's going on for me right now." I felt really frustrated at times when I couldn't explain myself properly so I feel better knowing I can do that now for the times my brain won't work!
    Feel free to do the same!



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