Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Willing immaculate conception

And so another baby making window has passed and I’m left feeling spent and exhausted. It’s not just the energy the actual act takes, but the emotional release of the pressure valve that builds over those few days. There is a magical 4 day window once a month to try and conceive. There are times when you just can’t find the strength to do it, or other events happen in life that stop you. When this happens, it feels like the only way a baby will arrive is through immaculate conception!

I woke up this morning feeling jealous of all of those women who conceive quickly, until I realised I was one of those women! So I’m really jealous of the women who conceive quickly and get to keep their baby – I’m not one of those women. I fell pregnant on my 3rd attempt so that’s pretty quick in my books. I’m reminded of that as this was our 3rd attempt since the miscarriage. I’m hoping it’s 3rd time lucky again!

The danger of that thought is it sets me up for a fall I don’t want to take. I’m realising how different my experience of trying to fall pregnant this time is compared to last time. Last time I had no fear and no expectations. I thought I’d be lucky if I fell pregnant within a year and was expecting it to only happen through some kind of fertility intervention. I did not believe I had the ability to fall pregnant naturally so my husband and I just threw ourselves into it without a care in the world.

This time I’m plagued with fears – running out of time, expectations, potential damage from the miscarriage or miscarrying again. I’m also plagued with frustration of how long all of this has taken. There’s a lot going on in my mind and it’s hard to block it all out. I try desperately to do it though as I know I need to remain calm and stress-free through this process.

I feel like I’m juggling so many balls to make it happen. I have to juggle energy levels, my marriage, timing, pills, doctor appointments, blood tests and scans. I haven’t even been to the fertility specialist yet so no doubt that will add a few more balls to the mix. Sometimes, I feel the heaviness all of that brings and it makes me wish I hadn’t had the miscarriage. I know, useless thinking, but I guess I just long for that time when it didn’t seem like it was such a hard road to tread.

To me, the concept of immaculate conception is essentially a woman does something mundane like sneezing and suddenly she’s pregnant. I know that’s not the religious definition and I’m not intending to insult any faiths by my simplified definition.  I use it as an example of how wonderful it would be if that was the case. I know though however much I will it, it's not going to happen.  

I’ve just been for another scan today and I had to give the sonographer my history – I had a miscarriage, my periods didn’t come back, I had to go on medication, this is my 3rd cycle since, I’ve been have ongoing cramps and discharge since then so yes, something is not right. She looked at me and shook her head. “As if miscarriage wasn’t horrible enough, you have all that to deal with on top. Life just isn’t fair sometimes is it?” I thought hallelujah – a medical person who finally gets it!

She finished the scan and started to clean up. Before she left, she said “Well, I hope the next time I see you you’re knocked up and happy.” Amen sister!    

Image by dream designs
Courtesy of

No comments:

Post a Comment


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...