Just call me Houdini

My friend posted this picture on Facebook yesterday and it really struck a cord with me. I know she’s going through a difficult time right now and it was her way of letting people know she was struggling. It was quite timely as I was recently asked "How are you really doing?" It made me realise it was the first time, in a long time, I’d been asked that.

When you are in the middle of a great upheaval in your life, you do all you can to make it through the day. Sometimes, it takes every ounce of energy you have just to get out of bed in the morning. When you put your makeup on, you know you are painting on your “I’m ok” face. It’s the mask you put on to pretend that everything is ok. To pretend you are ok. To pretend like is ok. It’s just a façade that you use so you can survive the hours outside of the sanctuary of your own home.

As you can imagine, starting each and every day like this, and living each and every day like this, eventually takes its toll. But, after a while, you realise you’ve reached the heights of Houdini when you become the master illusionist - convincing people that strength, courage, determination and normality exists when it really doesn’t. After a while, you start believing your own illusion, convincing yourself you are ok, until something happens that brings the illusion crashing down, and smacks you right back into reality. You're master trick failed so you have to perform the illusion again.

I ran into a friend last week and said “I was only just thinking of you on the weekend.” She said, “I was just thinking of you too so I read your blog. How are you?” I gave my stock standard response to this questions which is “I have my up and down days.” Knowing me as well as she does, she said “Well you seem really positive on your blog. Do you really feel that positive?” I had to think about that question really hard to figure out what the truthful response was. I then answered, “Most of the time I do.”

That afternoon I sent her a text message thanking her for stopping in her travels to talk to me, and for genuinely asking how I was. I realised I was used to parroting my “up and down” response without giving it a second thought. It takes someone who knows you really well to see through the illusion and drill down to the truth. It made me realise that I didn’t know what the truth was. I had spent so much time trying to convince others that I was ok, that I had forgot to ask myself. I think that’s why the events of yesterday were so difficult – it was one of those days filled with the triggers that crashed the illusion.   

Harry Houdini once said “What the eyes see, and the ears hear, the mind believes.” That’s the true genius of illusion. I write this blog and you believe I’m ok. I say I have my up and down days and you believe I’m ok. I thought my great trick was getting you to believe I’m ok. But I realise it's actually getting myself to believe I’m ok. If you believe it, and I say it enough times, maybe I'll believe it too. Today I do. Tomorrow? Well, we’ll just have to wait and see.