Needing a jump start

My battery is flat. I woke up this morning unable to stand, walk, talk or think. I’m exhausted – pure and simple. I understand the pattern of days like this – I get hit with one every few weeks. It just means that the energy I’ve had to spend to get through life over the past few weeks has been spent. It’s time for a jump start so I can face the world again.

I’m not ashamed to say I called into work sick. I know a lot of people would tell me to man up. Get over it. Get up and go to work. And normally I would, but the miscarriage changed me. Now, I listen to what my body tells me and its telling me to sit, recharge and regroup. I know if I don’t take a day to do that, then the problem will multiply and I will end up with something much worse than just feeling exhausted. Now, I make me my priority – not work!

I’m totally unapologetic for my selfist act. No one is going to thank me for sitting at work in my state. No one is going to pat me on the back and say job well done. I have to do this for me, and my husband, because our relationship is what I’m most interested in. It’s funny how life events give us these new perspectives. I’ve given my best for the past few weeks by just turning up to work every day. Now, it’s time to give myself, and my husband, my best. Not that sitting on the couch all day is my best – but it’s a step to regaining my best.

On the bright side, my period turned up today so our clomid adventure can now begin. On another positive, it looks like my cycle might be returning to some kind of normality as this is the first time since I stopped taking the pill that my cycle has turned up on the same day two months in a row! I suddenly remembered today that one of the many pills I’m taking as part of the fertility program is to regulate my cycle. It looks like it’s working but I wish I had of remembered that yesterday – I wouldn’t have done the pregnancy test if I had of. But, I’ll remember for next month!

I do know that I’ve been in a bit of a negative funk this week. I think the trip to the counsellor bought up a lot of issues for me and I’m glad it did. There are still some unresolved ones I have to work on. I’m hopeful that releasing some of that negativity will free my spirit up to be more welcoming of a baby. My aunt suggested starting a journal for baby. I guess this blog is a journal but there’s more specific things I would want to tell this baby. My first reaction was negative – what if I do all of that and no baby eventuates? But then I remembered my mantra for this year and the fact I’ve vowed not to live with what ifs anymore. Clearly I had forgotten that. So, I’m focusing on the positivity – moving forward and bringing positive things into my life. Forward motion is good and I’m feeling stronger already just for making the decision to move in that direction.

Image by FrameAngel

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