Talking to the angels

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how this whole baby caper has bought out my spiritual side. I’m still undecided about the existence of God and Jesus and other such related identities, but I’m a big believer in spirits, angels and patron saints. I don’t believe I would still be alive unless someone up there was looking over me! Now I find myself talking to these beings on a regular basis.

My husband and I have great debates about my beliefs and the lack of his. He thinks my belief in angels, saints, destiny, fate etc is a load of hogwash. Mind you, this comes from the man who doesn’t really believe in anything, but told me this morning I should get out of bed or I’ll make the baby Jesus cry!

I’ve always felt some kind of presence around me and have regularly prayed to my guardian angels. I have a patron saint for everything – there’s Katherine, the patron saint of finding a carpark, Conias, the patron saint of finding a new house, Russo, the patron saint of finding a new job and the list continues. I started praying to Saint Pampers when I decided I wanted to fall pregnant. When I did fall pregnant, I prayed to my grandfathers and uncle, who have passed away, to watch over Peanut. Now Peanut has gone, I pray to him/her too.  Basically, I have a little group of overseers that I pray to regularly for guidance, and to bring me strength, courage, hope and faith when I need it. It helps me in my weaker moments.

When I had the miscarriage, and started reading support forums, I noticed a lot of women saying they “trusted in God’s plan.” I’m not here to question the existence of God, or anyone’s belief in that, but I did find it a bit jarring reading those comments at the time. Personally, I don’t think miscarrying the baby was anyone’s plan, but I do believe it happened for a reason – so I guess God’s plan is a way of saying the same thing.

I have no doubt that we channel our spirituality as a way to get through the tough days. When you loose a baby, the first thing you do is question what you did wrong, believing it must be your fault. When there is no other credible reason for something so terrible happening, your brain rationalises that you’re to blame – because it has to be someone’s fault! When you process that, and let go of the self-blame, you need some kind of comfort to start accepting it “just happened.” It’s so hard to do that so we turn to our spiritual guides for help.

I’m happy to admit when I sit still and quiet, and calm my mind, I can hear them talking to me. I don’t know who “them” are, but I definitely hear the messages loud and clear – everything will be ok, believe in yourself and your dreams, trust and let go, keep the faith, we are here to love you. An enormous sense of peace washes over me when I hear those voices which allows me to believe what they say.

 Sometimes, they suddenly appear and start screaming at me. Like this morning, I was walking to work, off in my own little world, when I was suddenly jolted back into consciousness by a voice in my head repeating “trust and let go” over and over again. The voice was so forceful, and so loud, it made me stop in my tracks. I just stood still, for a moment, letting that thought wash over me. I repeated it to myself a few times, then continued walking with a new sense of determination.

I have always been in touch with my little posse,  and have come to rely on them so much more since the miscarriage. I’m not sure whether my bond with them has become stronger, or I’m just paying more attention, but I’m certainly hearing from them a lot more. I trust that they choose to speak to me when they think I most need it – and they’re always right! Now, I just hope that somewhere among all those voices, is a tiny little one saying “I’ll see you soon Mum!”  

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